


Luminous Beings

by AgentScullyFBI



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All The Tropes, All the banter, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Has Issues, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, But Im Still So Bad At It, But Unlikely Friends First, Can They Offer You A Sarcastic Comment, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Enemies to Lovers, Even The Ghosts Are Quippy, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Female Knights of Ren, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Found Family, Gotta Heal That Generational Trauma, Gray Jedi, I Am Learning How To Tag, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, M/M, Millennium Falcon - Freeform, Multi, POV Ben Solo, POV Kylo Ren, POV Rey (Star Wars), Playing Fast And Loose With Force Rules, Protective Kylo Ren, Rey Has PTSD, Smut, Stranded, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Terrible At Warnings, The Force Ships It, They're Not Good At Addressing It, Threats of Violence, and anxiety attacks, but on a more serious note, for obvious reasons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:49:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22609567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentScullyFBI/pseuds/AgentScullyFBI
Summary: "The galaxy needs bad men. They keep the other bad men from the door."Two months after Crait, Rey inadvertantly allows her sheilds to come down and the bond to slip open when a botched Resistance mission forces her to confront Kylo Ren in person. To her surprise, he does not appear to be the man she left unconsious on the Supremacy. The Force Bond's resurgence means that the dyad are drawing closer to understanding their destiny, and a prophecy.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 34
Kudos: 54





	1. There is a girl

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a one shot separate from another story and then they converged somewhere along the way so pardon the tonally confused start.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I come here nine times asking you, do not make it ten  
> I'm peeling off all the armor that protected my skin  
> Apologize, I'm laying down my ego to rest  
> Would you be mine forever? Just in case it exists.  
>  \- CWK

He’d known since the moment he spoke the words that Hux was certain that the scavenger did not kill the Supreme Leader. He wasn’t confident however, in exactly how much his sniveling General knew. Kylo’s confidence in his concealment of what happened in the throne room waned even more as the weeks wore on and it became clear through is connection to the Force that it’s innate ability to warn him of coming change was upon him. There was also the less mythical matter of his recent observations of his officers and commanders and how they responded to his being in charge. Nobody dared to outright refuse his orders or question him yet but there was a certain hesitancy that let him know that those that were loyal to Hux were not entirely thrilled about his taking up the Supreme Leaders mantle. 

Once again, Kylo Ren found himself surrounded by people on all sides and feeling paranoid, alone, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just like when he was a child, being dragged to senate meetings and gala’s, and when he was a teenager, being ostracized at Luke’s academy where all the students and especially his Uncle knew there was something off about him. And now here, in the highest position in the First Order. 

It’s no wonder as a child, the imaginary voice in his head, the one with all the comfort and answers, gave him such security. It wouldn’t show its true colors for years to come and it took as many for him to realize that this was no imaginary spectator, but it was all he knew. But as he grew, by the time he did realize his imaginary friend was very much real, he was broken beyond repair. Or so he thought. Until he felt the pull to another. He saw the island in her mind, her familiar eyes and a loneliness that outmatched even his own. 

He knew Hux long enough to know that if he were to follow through on his plans to expose the truth about how Snoke had died, he would settle for nothing less than Ren’s execution. Potentially even a public one seeing as how he could never pass up the opportunity to make an example out of him. Ever the military tactician, even when it came to politics. Or perhaps maybe he’d just send for someone to kill him in his sleep or poison his food. 

At this Ben felt a strange sense of calm and resolve that he hadn’t felt in months, not since he’d looked down into an escape pod and seen her looking back at him. And before that, it had been decades. He realized in all his machinations about the potential ways he could be disposed of by his own second in command that this, this ruminating paranoia, was the longest he’d gone without thinking about her since he’d seen her on Crait. 

The new Leader of the First Order Kylo Ren never laughed but even he himself recognized that this mental tirade he was currently on was ridiculous. He had long since accepted the fact that he’d spent the last few months cycling through thoughts of obsession, acceptance, intrigue, devastation and attraction towards his singular focus…a desert scavenger from a nowhere planet who outmatched him in every conceivable way. And now, he’s spared himself a reprieve only to think of the ways in which his second in command might choose to have him murdered. He needed sleep.

Unfortunately, every time he closed his eyes he saw her standing at the top of the ramp, eyes fixed on him and ready to secure the hatch. He’d thought about and dreamt about that moment so many times in recent months. Desperate to pinpoint where the gnawing, aching pain had come from in the pit of his stomach just as the Falcon’s door slammed shut. At first he had assumed that it was his natural reaction to the rejection and betrayal. He was self-aware enough to know that he didn’t handle intense emotions well. But the ache came to him every night in the dream just as it had the day it happened, and it took dozens of invocations of that dream to make sense of it. When he finally felt like he was ready to be honest with himself, he realized that the pain, the heavy sickening feeling he had when she looked down at him as she hurried the remaining Resistance members onto the ship, came from the disappointment he saw in her eyes. Her disappointment in him. It sat in his stomach like a brick, weighing him down.

Roaming the halls of the Finalizer, lost in his own reflections, he barely noticed the lights dim to indicate that the night cycle was beginning. Living on a ship had it’s benefits militarily and strategically but the actual effect it had on one’s being was another thing entirely. The lights were programmed to track the day and night cycles in the expanse of space otherwise the crew would have no semblance of order. 

Kylo returned to his quarters and began removing his clothing and boots. He was midway through removing his arm wraps when the exhaustion really hit him. He knew that his lack of sleep for fear of dreaming of her was the reason for all of his overthinking, but it was no longer possible to stay awake and it wasn’t doing him any good anyway.  
If his General really did want him dead then he’d need all the rest he could get to come up with a plan to avoid that and then perhaps even regain some control of the military he now found himself in charge of. As he peeled off his second arm wrap there was a sudden rush of air that ended with a beckoning silence. Before he could contemplate what was happening, she was there. Just across from him, she sat on what looked like a bench facing him. He realized immediately that she was on a ship. 

Her eyes snapped up to his and her face was incredulous. He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and stood frozen. He couldn’t see her surroundings but her body language gave him the impression that she was sitting between other people, even crammed on the bench, too many to fit. Her arms were in her lap holding a blaster. He was too shocked at the sudden opening of the bond to speak or form thoughts regarding what he would even say. This was the first time he’d seen her this way, through their bond, with people around. On Ahch-To she had always been alone, save for the time his kriffing uncle showed up. 

As she stared at him, hazel eyes burning a hole in his skull, he didn’t dare speak since neither one of them really understood the mechanics of this bond and he had no idea if he’d be heard by anyone else. And more importantly, what would he even say?  
When the bond snapped shut only moments later he was stunned. He staggered backwards into his desk. How had she managed to keep him out for months only to open up some kind of connection at a clearly inopportune time, with obviously no intention of speaking with him. He knew that whatever reason the Force had just connected them, it wasn’t her doing. Was it his? He still understood so little of this thing between them but he had more resources than she had about such things. 

He looked into it after their first encounter and he found some information on how Force bonds form, what kinds of things can be done with them, but never anything that resembled theirs closely enough. It was typically between master and padawan and almost always had a shorter range of communication. He hadn’t even come across anything about Force Bonds allowing them to see one another, just to speak back and forth. Everything he read led him to believe that theirs was a unique connection that the neither the Jedi nor the Sith had ever seen before. 

He changed quickly into sleeping pants and while he usually slept without his shirt, he put one on for good measure seeing as how the bond was now clearly more unpredictable than they had realized. While he had no aversions to nudity or the human body, he couldn’t help but remember her overreaction to seeing him after his training exercises when she was on Ahch-To. He pulled the shirt over his head still delirious from lack of sleep, shocked at having seen her face just now, and acutely aware that he was somehow hoping he’d see her again soon. He killed his Master for her, he was prepared to give her the Galaxy, surely he could wear a shirt if it made her more comfortable. 

He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes as his head hit the pillow. What was he doing thinking about how to make the desert scavenger more comfortable if the mysterious Force Bond that neither of them understood happens to connect them again? Kylo Ren really was going insane.


	2. What Girl?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's mission goes off the rails.

Rey stood in the makeshift hangar of the old Rebel base on Hoth antsy and ready to go. She waited for Finn and Rose to meet her at the ship. They had moved around so much in the last few months since Crait and she hadn’t slept well the entire time. But she felt good about this mission because last night, she had the best sleep she’d gotten since before leaving Jakku. She felt rested and ready even though Leia insisted that this was a reckless and possibly deadly idea. 

She had convinced the General that she felt the resolve in the Force to follow through on it, despite not being able to discern where this sureness came from. For all of her military prowess, Leia still trusted in the Force above all else and she put her faith in Rey. Besides, she knew that Poe was determined once he heard the details so Rey figured it was best to go along because if she didn’t, they’d still need a third person to go in and that would mean risking someone else’s life in her place. 

A network of rebel scouts and spies still existed throughout the Galaxy despite the bulk of the Resistance being decimated after the defeat on Crait, having been lucky enough to miss out on the seige. Through the various and complex channels that Leia never ever disclosed, she was able to ascertain that the First Order was already hard at work establishing a new super weapon to rival Starkiller Base. Her spies had gathered that the new base was only months away from completion but they were not being able to figure out where this weapon was, or what planetary system the Order marked as its intended target. There was however, passcodes lifted from holopads belonging to high level First Order officers which were then carefully passed through lower level troopers and on to the Resistance handlers. Leia was very hush hush about the intricate process of retrieving information and while Rey was always curious about these things, she found herself respecting the General even more for her commitment to protecting her contacts and those that risked their lives within the Order to help the cause. Especially after Poe had explained to her that while he was also unaware of their identities, he had it on good authority that they were likely low-ranking grunts. This gave Rey an even greater sense of hope that there were others like Finn amongst the rabble of the Star Destroyer fleet, just waiting for their chance to defect.

She boarded the Resistances newly aquired shuttle with her bag when she heard Finn and Rose’s voices echoing through the hangar. She holstered her blaster and prepared the pre-flight checks. Poe would be piloting but Rey’s nerves were on edge so she wanted to get off the ground quickly before she changed her mind and put a stop to this entire foolish plan. Poe was to stay on the ship and be prepared at a moments notice to get them out of there. Their cloaking device was secure to make the jump to hyperspace as soon as they were out and their intel told them they'd be cleared to land in this ship they bardered for which had been used in weapons trades with the First Order.

Finn needed to come along because of his extensive knowledge of the Finalizers layout. As a former sanitation worker his entire life, his brain served as a kind of blueprint for the ships garbage, plumbing, and ventilation passageways. Rose had proven already that she could be very useful in covert ops and was especially adept at handling any mechanical issues, however Rey suspected the real reason for her joining them had more to do with her recent observations that where Finn went, Rose was sure to follow.

“We’ve got about thirty minutes and then it’s go-time.” Poe shouted from the cockpit. They had been flying for hours already and would be coming out of hyperspace soon. Rey plunked down in the tight space between the two large duffle bags that carried all their tools and weapons and pulled her blaster from her holster to give it a final once over and make sure it was functioning properly. 

She was inspecting its safety lock when a rush of air escaped her lungs and she looked up to see if Finn who was sitting directly across from her had felt it too. But when her head snapped up, she saw the face of the man she’d been successfully avoiding for months. Each night she dreamed of Ben Solo, a man she now knew didn't exist anymore, and each day she spent warring with herself to remind the logical part of her brain that he was Kylo Ren, power hungry despot who doesn’t care about anything except ruling. He was wearing one arm wrap and appeared to be either putting clothes on or taking them off, she wasn’t sure. She hadn’t seen him in months and thought that the connection, the Force Bond he called it once when they were talking on Ahch-To, had died along with Snoke. Yet here he was, looking just as shocked as her. In reality they only had moments together, but it felt like the time they spent searching one anothers faces had stretched on for much longer. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked tired. She had the urge suddenly and illigoically to reach for him, ask him if he’s been sleeping. She knew this is was an irrational thought and immediately felt a pang of shame. 

When the bond snapped shut, she exhaled. She looked immediately at Finn and Rose who were talking to see if they had noticed anything unusual. Their confused faces reassured her they didn’t. She knew immediately that what had just occured had happened so fast that she was the only one to notice. She considered that he must have been in his quarters because where else would he dress? This plan had revolved around coming at this specific time because they knew the Finalizers sleep cycle would be in full swing and there would be significantly less guards and stormtroopers to contend with. Was he removing his clothes to sleep? Rey was convinced before now that he had been on the Supremacy this whole time and hadn’t much considered that she may be heading headlong toward the one person she was intent on staying away from. 

Finn had let her know that he believed Kylo Ren would take up his place on the Supremacy and turn it into his flagship after becoming Supreme Leader. Her first thought was that if he is on the Finalizer, he will likely be able to sense her in the Force upon their arrival which would put their mission and lives on the line. She didn’t even have a functional lightsaber, although she assumed it wouldn’t do her much good anyway. She knows her last few fights with him had gone her way due to extenuating circumstances rather than her fighting skills. Her second thought is about the possibility of seeing him, in person, and how she hadn’t been even remotely prepared for that confrontation. This line of thinking makes her shudder and she physically shakes her head as if to eject the thoughts. 

They arrive on schedule and the cloaking device still appears to be working because they are hauled in and allowed to land. Leia still had a good deal of wealth from her time as an Alderanian royal and she was able to barter for a ship that had been used in First Order weapons trades recently so it wouldn’t raise any alarm by stormtroopers overseeing the comings and goings of the hangar. As they disembarked, Rey was prepared immediately to use her very handy power of suggestion that the Force imbued her with to acquire several Stormtrooper uniforms. 

She spoke slowly and harnessed her intent just as she had practiced on some very good sports back at the Resistance base. The stormtroopers obliged and she breathed a sigh of relief, unwilling to ever allow her companions to see how much her confidence wavered in her usage of the Force sometimes, as not to frighten them. They had such faith in her and also a very misplaced sense that she could wield the Force in ways she knew she wasn’t trained for. But those that remained after Crait were so disheartened after losing so much that she just couldn’t bring herself to the let them down too. She remembered what Leia had told her on the Falcon just as they were leaving. “We have everything we need.” She tried to let this guide her and hoped that her understanding of things would come with time.

As they dressed quickly, Poe and Finn hauled the three stormtroopers up the ships ramp after Rey put them in a Force sleep. Finn explained that Rey and Rose would need to also put on the troopers black underclothes because there were small sections of the armor that the clothes peeked through and if everything wasn’t standard issue, they’d risk being noticed. Once they were all dressed and carrying their First Order issued weapons, with their other blasters tucked safely into their armor, they began to march exactly like they practiced with Finn back at their own base. 

He led them out through the hangar leaving Poe in his own borrowed uniform standing near but ducking beneath their ship with a commlink placed safely on his wrist. Rey’s heart raced as they marched past their first pair of troopers in the dimly lit hallway. As they passed, no one so much as nodded and she let out a sigh of relief. She was truly proud of Finn when she let herself think about what he had been through and how he was willing to come back to this place not once but twice to help the cause. It couldn’t be easy after what he’d endured just to escape and yet here he was. She had to get him and Rose out of here safely because after spending most of her life on Jakuu and then travelling to some questionable planets with the Resistance, Rey concluded that there simply weren’t enough good people in existence so the Galaxy couldn’t afford to lose two like Finn and Rose. 

After marching for what felt like forever, they arrived at their destination. A long corridor of closets and larger rooms filled with all of the extra items needed to keep a ship this large running. Soaps for the freshers, cleaning supplies, even additional heating and cooling tubing and wiring should they need to perform repairs. Finn knew that the vents in these rooms snaked throughout the entire vessel like a hidden labyrinth through the ship. He warned her that while she’d fit, they were narrow and it would be a tight squeeze. Rey would need to find out where the First Order was planning to strike once their superweapon was complete. Finn and Rose were to keep marching all the way to the comms room and sus out where the weapon was being built.

While coming up with their plan at the Resistance base Finn insisted that Rose stay with Rey so that she’d be safest He wanted Rey to be able to protect her should anything happen. But it was Leia who thought that Rose should stay with Finn. She’d explained that while Rey’s abilities certainly gave her an upper hand, she was also the most recognizable one of the group to everyone on that ship thanks to the sizable bounty on her head. Finn and Rose could stay in their stormtrooper uniforms and have a chance at defending one another should anything go wrong. As they stopped at the second to last door on the right, Rey found that she was unprepared for anxiety that she was now feeling upon leaving her friends to stroll the halls of the Finalizer and worse, try to break into secure areas on a ship this well manned. She was constantly finding herself grateful that she was the only one with the ability to feel others’ emotions since she felt like her two best friends would be very worried to find that the last Jedi was concerned for their safety. 

Before Finn got clingy and started saying tearful goodbyes, Rey knew she needed to hurry this exit up. She found that after a lifetime alone, she was very uneasy around those expressing big feelings and Finn had those in spades. Before she could cut him off, Rose put a hand on his arm and knew exactly what they needed. “Rey, you’ve got this. And we’re gonna be just fine. We’ll meet you back at the ship. Do you have your commlink?” Rey nodded and she couldn’t help but feel overwhelming appreciation for Rose at times like this. “Good, good luck and may the Force be with you.” And Rey knew that Rose was smiling even with the helmet on. She had just realized that Finn had been grasping her shoulder the entire time and he nodded, clearly unable to form the appropriate goodbye he was looking for. “You remember the directions I gave you right? You have the easiest path, almost no turns. You can’t miss the compactor hatch it’s clearly marked.” She could recite these directions in her sleep but she knew this reminder was more for Finn’s comfort than her own. “Got it.” 

At that, she shoved into the closet sized room and they closed the door behind her. She peeled off her Stormtrooper armor leaving her in black underclothes covering her arms and legs. Her hair was in a low bun around the base of her neck, a style Finn let her know would be most comfortable in her helmet, because he’d seen so many of his long haired fellow soldiers sporting that same look. She shucked the armor behind some boxes and stood on a crate. She pulled the latch and slid the grate aside just enough to shimmy her body up into the duct. Finn was right, they were narrow and she began moving slowly as to make as little noise as possible. 

Once she had taken her first right, only the second of two turns she needed to make, she could see the compactor hatch up ahead. She’d need to jump down into the compactor and exit out of the vent in there. If done correctly, she’d end up in another storage closet which would lead to the officers’ quarters hallway. She had been in the tunnel of ducts for about an hour when she spotted the hatch. There may not have been many turns but these vents went on forever thanks to the sheer size of the ship. Just as she was nearing the dropdown, the blaring of alarms sounded and made her jump. Panic set in. She had clearly gone unnoticed so it had to be Finn and Rose. She started crawling faster, desperate to get out of the vent and find them. She opened the hatch and swung her body down dropping into the trash compactor. She trudged through the garbage and thanked the force that it was all dry. She found the vent duct on the far wall and snaked her body back into the endless maze, this time paying attention to the voices and the movements of the bodies below. She listened for any commands or comms about what caused the alarm in hopes that she could locate them quickly. 

Finally, she arrived at her destination. Another storage closet, but when she dropped down into this one, it wasn’t cramped like the others. This one had clean white walls, the size of a small room and seemed to be for the most part empty, save for a few crates. She listened intently through the door to determine just how many people were now in the hallway. She was only planning to run into one or two and she knew that she could Force freeze or even manipulate them into doing what she needed in order to get by. But after the alarm sounded, she could tell there were far too many people bustling around. Standing in the nearly empty closet, she bent at the waist and rested her hands on her knees. Priority one, find Finn and Rose. Think, think, think. She had no idea how to get to the brig through the maze of vents, and it was only a hunch that they’d be there anyways. She felt trapped. She thought of Leia and her overwhelming trust in her. She knew that Leia understood better than anybody that the her power was not something she could wield to do it’s bidding but maybe if she just trusted in it, the way Leia trusted in her, an idea would begin to take shape. Hands still on her knees, breathing deeply and concentrating, she tried to steady herself and she reached out with the Force.


	3. You Have Compassion For Her

Kylo hadn’t slept in days and he was finally ready to resign himself to it, having no other choice. Exhaustion was overtaking him after months of losing what was left of his sanity. He had killed the voice that took up space in his head for nearly his entire life just to have it replaced with another. This new voice called him Ben and told him he wasn’t alone. He couldn’t help but appreciate the irony that both voices tortured him, albeit in vastly different ways.

When he was too tired to force himself not to think about her, he would ruminate over their conversation in the throne room and his actions that followed. He chastised himself for failing to explain his plans or what he saw for their future. He hated himself for being so overcome with anger that he couldn’t be bothered to notice that Luke Skywalker wasn’t even kicking up salt the way everyone else had been. Why did she leave him alive on that floor? Why did she find his lightsaber and return it to him? Why does he dream the same dream every night? Why does it sometimes feel like he was better off with a Master cutting down his every ounce of will to live over years than it is to live with this space in his head? A space that’s filled with her face looking down at him from that fucking ship? At some point during his racing thoughts and endlessly self-deprecating questions, his body finally pulled rank over his minds endless echo chamber and he drifted off to sleep.

_The rain pummeled him as he stalked up the long stone stairs towards the temple. His fellow knights were still claiming lives in the village at the bottom of the island. Basking in their newfound freedom to indulge in the Dark side. He knew that they were likely killing hastily just to fuel their resolve rather than carefully considering who among these souls might have information on what they are looking for. He thought as he stalked forward with every intent to put an end to any Force Sensitive who may bring back the Jedi order, that his fellow Knights let their slide into the darkness cloud even the simplest of judgements. It’s not compassion he tells himself. It’s logic. If only he could impart some rational thought into four of his five Knights who never seem to understand their roles beyond violence._

_He thinks in this instance that he’d have been more successful at catching and killing those that Snoke sent him to dispose of if he’d just come alone or perhaps just with Knita Ren, the only one of his Knights who has any sense. It wasn’t his decision however and he knows without having been told that this is another one of Snokes tests to bleed any amongst them who cannot perform the necessary task. The sky opened up over him and lightning cracked the tree branches, illuminating the temple at the top of the hill for a brief moment. He knew that this was no ordinary weather. This was the island protesting their arrival._

_Kylo Ren he was undeterred. They’d been living on ships for months after their initiation into the Knights of Ren. Six standard months of training after the burning of Lukes temple and the last two ridding the galaxy of any Force wielders they could find. As he neared the temple doors he felt a sudden heaviness on his chest like a weight was pressing down on him. He had felt many Force signatures over the previous months, allowing those untrained enough to live out in the open to guide him directly to them so he could carry out his task. This was by far the strongest aura he had ever experienced. He kicked the door open and let the crackling light of his red blade guide him through the darkened hallways. The sounds of the screams from the village were being drowned out by the pounding of the rain on the stone roof and windows._

_So different from the temple Luke erected in his haze of megalomania Kylo thought. The end of the hallway opened into a large room with a pulpit at the far end and windows lining the sides. There were rows of benches and in the center an area for what he assumed was space to meditate. He knew Skywalker survived the wreckage of his own temple and was certain that with enough time, he’d rebuild his self-important quest to raise the Jedi Knighthood to what it once was. Kylo had no aversion to finding and killing his uncle when the time comes. He even saw in the eyes of others across the Galaxy that they had worshipped the old man, the legend that had taken shape, no one, ever knowing the fool for what he really was. He had to be stopped. This would be their last stop before returning to the Supremacy and Kylo knew with this last kill, Snoke would lead them on to their next mission, the only one Kylo had any investment or interest in whatsoever. Finding and ending Luke Skywalker._

_He followed his instincts down past the mediation area and behind the pulpit where he found some old texts, a scattering of trinkets and artifacts, robes and a commlink. Some had clearly escaped the island before their arrival, hiding out in the temple for as long as they could. The aura lingered and Kylo followed it to a stone staircase leading up the a much smaller upstairs area which was one small room full of containers. He assumed this is where they kept they village rations. The aura lingered. He descended the stairs once again and walked back through the center aisle to leave when the heavy pounding feeling in his chest began again upon passing a table near the far corner covered in cloaks._

_The feeling hit him all at once. The Force Signature burned bright and he lurked towards the table and ripped the cloaks back exposing the figure underneath. He lurched forward with his lightsaber and the smell of the burning hair was the last thing he sensed before being frozen in place. A child, curled in on herself, hugging her knees, hands thrown up instinctively to protect herself from attack. The saber never came down on her, but instead lingered centimeters from her, singing her hair. His momentary hesitation cost him and she scurried backwards and out from under the table. Kylo spun sideways to see her standing in the aisle with a lost look in her eyes and something else. Something he couldn’t quite decipher. He took two large strides forward._

_Although he was still a child himself in some ways, he’d grown so tall in the recent years. He was all legs and had recently found he could intimidate with his size, especially under the mask that he now donned everywhere, never allowing his truly boyish features to show. Just as he was about to raise his lightsaber again, he distinguished the other look in her expression. Recognition._

_He could hear Snokes voice in his head now. After fifteen years, he could no longer untangle what was an actual command or what was his own psyche filling in for the beast that took away his ability to trust himself. “Kill Her!” the voice bellowed. “This is the path to becoming who you are truly meant to be!” At this point he’s almost certain it’s his own psyche because if Snoke actually knew that he’d hesitated even for a moment then he’d see his knights barreling through the temple right now to finish what he could not. But no one came. His thoughts were suddenly coming in too fast and all he could see was blinding light. There was no temple, there was no girl, just light in every direction and he wondered at this moment if Snoke could torture him from across the Galaxy. His master had an array of skills that Kylo was still discovering. He waited for the excruciating pain to begin. But it never came. When he blinked again the light was gone and his feet were propelling him towards the girl. He felt like his mind has been severed from his body. So this is how it’s done, he thought. He is but a vessel for a madman on a throne. If Kylo can’t fulfill his mission, Snoke will simply take control and use him as he sees fit._

_But this line of thinking was interrupted when he realized that he was clutching the girl by the arm, fingers digging in, and dragging her down the center of the temple back towards the pulpit. His heart was still pounding out of his chest but his plan was somehow resolute. He opened the door to a cleaning closet and shoved the girl inside. He stalked back to the raised area and grabbed the commlink. She was cowering near a bucket now in the small space and bewilderment had crossed her face. Kylo knew his masks vocoder was already alarming enough for most sentient beings but this was just so…..so unafraid. So he worked his voice into a low growl and thrust the commlink at her roughly. “Do not contact anyone for one standard day. Stay in here until then.” She nodded along to his instructions and he slammed the door. With a wave of his hand he slid a table in front of it. Self-hatred for his failure racked him as he descended the long hillside down to their ship._

_“Let’s go” He growled. “We’re done here.” Without a word, the Knights made their way up the ramp and left a sea of bodies lying in the grass, not a single soul left alive on the island…save for one._

He has no idea when he’d fallen asleep or how much time had passed but he bolted upright at the sound of an alarm blaring and lights flashing. He knew this alarm. There’s been a breech aboard his ship. As he came to and swung his legs over the side of his bed, his body began going through the motions using only muscle memory before his brain could catch up. Quickly removing his sleep clothes and replacing them with his robes, he finished lacing up his boots. He was now awake enough to register what is going on. He stalked down the hall and called to Hux on his comm. He received no answer. Just as well, he doesn’t trust him anyway. As he turned the corner at the end of the hall, he stopped mid stride.

The air swirled just a little faster and his senses pricked up slightly. A Force signature he knew all too well. She was here.

He followed the sense through winding hallways where it led him past the bridge where he was glad to have gone unnoticed by Hux as the chaos ensued. He had no desire to listen to that sniveling petulant little man and no interest in explaining why he won’t be lingering around the bridge either. He’s already heard over the comms about the situation and he will not spend an extra minute of his life speaking with that idiot. Just as he was led to a corridor that left him unsure of which direction to turn, he wheeled around to find her there, standing before him. Only….she wasn’t. Not really, he realized. She was bent over with her hands on her legs as if she was catching her breathe.

She looked…tired perhaps. She was wearing all black which he would have found very curious had he not already realized she was on his ship and more than likely wearing his soldiers’ clothing. The momentary glimpse into the bond allowed her Force signature to glow even brighter and suddenly he was following an almost tangible thing, like he had her tied on the end of a string, tethering her to him.

He arrived at a door to….a sanitation closet? There were stormtroopers everywhere in this particular hallway, as well as a few officers who had clearly been woken from a deep sleep and didn’t have Hux’s motivation to get their uniforms on and get to the bridge quite as quickly. All of the Stormtroopers were running in different directions, the alarm still blared. If he wasn’t mistaken he’d say that they were simply moving quickly to appear useful and didn’t have any actual direction at the moment.

Possibly just trying to avoid being thrown against a wall by the nefarious Knight of Ren. He knew that as the Supreme Leader, it should concern him that his troopers appeared to be useless and without direction as a breech alarm was going off but he simply could not find it in himself to care about that right now. Yet another sign that he was in fact an imposter in his current role, as he’d considered quite a bit recently.

  
He placed his hand flat against the door and he was suddenly overcome with the feeling that she knew he was standing there. He felt her panic and her indecisiveness as if they were his own emotions. Her thoughts and her pulse were racing. He opened the door just enough to slide through the crack, but not enough to expose her to the hallway chaos. Once inside, he spun around to see only legs dangling from the ceiling. For the briefest moment he put his hands on his hips and shook his head in disbelief. This half of a torso was the resistances secret weapon, he thought. It would be funny if she weren’t going to get herself killed. And based on what eh could surmise was her plan to ascend into his ships vents, she was absolutely going to get herself captured and killed by Hux. She was always too impulsive to even consider speaking with him before acting anytime they came face to face. Always shooting first, asking questions later. And he was supposedly the reckless one.

  
He let out a puff of air and took one step up onto the crate she’d used to hoist herself up and grabbed onto her waist, yanking her down forcefully as she struggled.  
“Rey. This is a –“  
“Let go!” She caught him by surprise when she got a leg lose from his grip and kicked backwards slamming the flat of her foot into his chest with enough Force to send him flying back, hitting the opposite wall. She was just about all the way up through the hatch when he was on his feet again using the Force to pull her back down to him. She simultaneously used her own strength to keep herself from falling and was able to continue hoisting herself upwards, battling against the immense pressure she felt radiating out from him.

  
He was so unused to having his power in the Force matched that it still managed to surprise him when she fought back and he found himself needing to dig for a strength he never needed when he was throwing stormtroopers around or choking Hux. Although to be fair he hadn’t actually done those things in months having lost even the will to intimidate. He mostly just destroyed things with his saber and his fists as of late.

Her strength never ceased to captivate him but right at this exact moment it was starting to just frustrate him. “Rey. Stop. Just stop.” He was struggling to keep a grasp on her. There were certainly things he could do with the Force to put a stop to this back and forth but they needed to keep somewhat quiet to avoid anyone entering the closet. He also recognized the need to get her to acquiesce to him in a way that didn’t involve overpowering her since he’d tried that a few times in the past and it had not gone the way he thought it would.  
“Would you just listen to me? Rey. Stop fighting me.” His voice was commanding but also pleading at this point.

His hands were still struggling to keep his grip on her. How is it that he managed to go decades without pleading to anyone and yet since they met, he feels that’s all he does? Give me the map, **please**. Let me be your teacher, **please**. Join me, **please.**

  
He needed to appeal to her rational side, the thing he knows she cares about at this moment, otherwise they would just keep fighting for control forever. “Rey!” he barked and she paused for just a second, startled by his tone. “Where are you going to go? The entire ship is swarming with people looking for you. Get down.”

“I’m not gonna let you hurt them, I will find them!” As she spoke the words he realized that yes, it does make sense that she’d assume he is here to drag her back to the bridge, perhaps murder her friends, keep her prisoner. He’s not proud of how unhinged he’d allowed himself to become when she left him but if she had just let him in, just once since then, to actually talk, then he could have explained himself.

He allowed himself to become momentarily distracted by the proximity of his face to her backside as she was wriggling around trying to disentangle them. As soon as he regained focus, she was up and over the ledge, sliding into the opening. If he wasn’t questioning his sanity before (he was) then he definitely is now because the Supreme Leader of the First Order, Jedi Killer, Master of the Knights of Ren, found himself clambering his very large body up into the very narrow cooling duct of his own Flagship and scrambling to catch the scavenger that haunted him.


	4. Reckless He Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Never his mind on where he was. What he was doing. Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things. Reckless he is." - Master Yoda

Rey told herself that while this was an incredibly complicated unforeseen issue, having Ben follow her through the ducts of the Finalizer, she could not get distracted. After all, there had been so many opportunities for him to kill her since they met and he had taken exactly none of them. She knew he was furious after she left him in the throne room based on the stories she’d heard about his actions on Crait before her arrival in the Falcon.

But then in the following months her grasp on keeping the bond shut was airtight during the day, however, she sensed that there were perhaps a few nights where she let her exhaustion overtake her and found such a deep sleep that her shields were lowered. She never saw him, but she had awoken a few times with the distinct sense that he had been there, around somehow.

But even without words or interactions, she continued to feel his emotions. And she never took the time to learn how to block those too. If she was being honest, didn’t exactly want to. She couldn’t help herself, the pull to him never went away. So each day since Crait she felt him growing lonlier, more desolate, lost. Rey felt like she knew the crazed Supreme Leader who had fired his entire fleets weapons on a Force projection.

He was the man everyone else knew too. But this other creature, the one he’d transformed into, was no longer a well of emotion. The terrifying man in the mask had been replaced with a man set adrift, surrendered to his despair. He didn’t want to hurt her, she knew this even as she blocked him out. He didn’t seem to want much of anything. In fact, he seemed like a ghost. By the second month after Crait that she felt his presence in the bond, Rey had found herself succumb so deeply to his hollowness, feeling his emotions as her own, that she’d found herself wishing for the angry specter who stalked her on Starkiller or through the forest of Takodana. Sure he was evil and intimidating and all that she fought against… but at least he was alive.

This new man wasn’t him. But he wasn’t Ben Solo either. She thinks that she may have met Ben Solo in a hut on Ahch-To. And again when he stood with her back to back fighting off Snokes guards after saving her life. But this new man who the Force was so inexplicably intent on keeping her connected to was for all intent and purposes, no one. Unfortunately, Rey also knew what it was like to be no one. Alone and waiting for anyone or anything to come along and tell you that there is something out there worth waking up for even if it doesn’t seem that way. He may enrage her and confuse her but she never hated him.

In fact, she thinks she may understand him better than anyone else she’s ever met, although she keeps this fact locked in a deep, faraway corner of her mind where no one can know. And perhaps that fact alone is why, against all reason and logic, she turned around in the ever shrinking air duct and engaged the hollow shell of the man she once knew. “I told you, I’m going to find my friends.” She tried to make her voice as disagreeable as possible but as soon as she turned and her eyes met his, she found herself doing the unimaginable in such a serious situation. She started laughing. Was she losing her mind? She must be. Her insomnia had clearly come to call.

Nothing about this situation was funny but she was wholly unprepared to see his giant frame and broad shoulders, fitted with his rather regal looking black uniform, crammed in on himself, very uncomfortably into the duct behind her. He looked utterly ridiculous. His shoulders were folded in and he was turning to try to get some traction to find a way to move. She was on all fours in front of him and could only think to turn and face forward so he wouldn’t see her facial expression.

“Are you…” He paused and scrunched his brows together.. “Are you laughing?” His voice was serious but also confused. She steadied herself and took a breath as she looked back towards him once again. “I’m sorry…you just look so.....uncomfortable.” And another laugh escaped her.

“I _am_ uncomfortable Rey, what a keen observation.” He scoffed but she saw the faintest pull of his lips fighting a smirk.

Another laugh. Mumbling under her breathe as if still in disbelief at the impossible situation they currently found themselves in. “Supreme leader.” She whispered to herself and shook her head. No. She could not let him distract her. She had to keep herself focused on the task at hand. She needed to find Finn and Rose and get them out of here in one piece.

The Resistance had enough good intel over the last few months to know that the General who served under Snoke was very much in charge of this whole operation despite the publics impression that Kylo Ren was now at the seat of the galaxy. She assumed Poe was still safe, guessing that with all the commotion around looking for her, they’d likely not checked under every Stormtrooper helmet in the ships largest hangar bay. But she couldn’t use the commlink on her wrist because she didn’t want to risk the sound echoing through the vent or his going off at an inopportune moment. She really had no idea how soundproof these things were but it didn’t seem like a game of odds she should be playing. Finding them shouldn’t be too impossible. She knew that Hux liked to have his captives interrogated rather than executed immediately so they wouldn’t have been killed on-sight. Thinking things that morbid made her shutter but this was the nature of war she was beginning to learn.

When Ben spoke she was pulled from her plotting. “Rey what were you thinking coming here? What are you doing?” She could swear he sounded disappointed and a touch concerned.

“Look, I know enough of whatever this is..” she looked back and motioned between them, “to know that you didn’t follow me up here to kill me. But I will not let you keep me here or take me prisoner. I have to find them. Whatever happens, I have to get them out of here. They just…they trusted me. And this is my fault I never should have let this mission happen and now they’re gonna….” She couldn’t bring herself to finish the thought. She was definitely spiraling, she could feel it. She was rambling really fast and her breathing was loud. Suddenly she could hear him clambering up behind her.

She couldn’t let anything happen to Finn and Rose after everything they’d done for her and just as she was about to kick backwards in hopes of landing her heel to his face which would buy her a few minutes head start, she felt his large hand grasp the back of her calf. She jerked her leg instinctively before realizing he wasn’t actually grabbing her. His touch was gentle and it just lingered there.

“Breathe Rey. Just breathe. Inhale...Exhale.”

She did breathe. And as she felt her panic begin to settle, she found herself wondering who this calming presence was. She thought to herself that she’s now met a third or perhaps a fourth version of this man. She’s starting to lose count of all of his personalities. 

**____________________________________**

She took another deep breath and began slowly, “I’m the reason they’re here. And I couldn’t protect them. They never would have sanctioned this kriffing mission if they didn’t have this bantha shit idea about the invincibility of the _last jedi_.” She scoffed at the last words in a mocking tone, clearly unhappy with her label. “I don’t even have a lightsaber.” She sounded so defeated.

At the realization that Rey hated the expectations placed on her by those who didn’t have any connection to the Force, Ben thought he may be starting to really understand their strange kinship. He also wanted to point out to her that she isn’t a weapon to be wielded by the pathetic Resistance, his mother, or anyone else who doesn’t see her as a whole person but he thought that may be a bit much considering that she just started speaking to him again. He took a deep breathe and mentally degraded himself for what he was about to say. He knew that she was single minded at the moment, only thinking about the others she came with.

She wouldn’t discuss anything else before that was resolved. So if he ever hoped to speak with her again outside of stalking her through their bond or kidnapping her, he needed to extend an olive branch.

“I can help you find your friends.”

“What?”

“Im sure they’ve been taken down to the brig. That’s the only place Hux leaves people awaiting interrogation. I can help you fi” -

But before he could finish his sentence she was cutting him off. “Why? What do you _want_ from me Ben?” She looked skeptical and maybe a little nervous.

And then it happened. He doesn’t know why this happens. He may never know. Because he’d have killed anyone who dared call him that in the last ten years, but at the sound of his real name from her lips, each time he hears it, he comes apart. His eyes darted to hers and he wanted to tell her the truth. Answer her question in earnest. Tell her that he’d do anything at this point. He got so close once. So close to having her and then she slipped through his grasp because he wasn’t ready. He knows that now. But it had to happen in order for him to understand that without her, he was fading away. But he scared her away once before with his intensity and inability to formulate coherent thought and the result was that it pushed him just that last bit over the cliff of his mind. He won’t go back to that. So he knew he needed to tread lightly.

He hardened himself and spoke. “There’s nothing I want from you. We can’t stay in this duct all night. My offer stands, take it or leave it but you need to decide now.”

Okay, maybe a bit too stern but he could never quite get his thoughts to translate into the right words with her. He could tell she was thinking over the options she had. Perhaps she was wondering if he’d betray her and turn her over to the General. She paused for a moment before answering.

“Fine. But we do things my way.” Relief passed over him at once. His mouth quirked up ever so slightly at the idea that she was going to trust him but he buried his smirk away quickly before she could see it.

“Absolutely not. I am in charge here. Now let’s go.”

He did not have to see her face to know that she had rolled her eyes at that. The hallways that led to the closet were still full of stormtroopers and while Ben had full control over them, he knew that even he’d likely be dragged to the brig for strolling through the Finalizer during a breech alarm with the Resistance’s Jedi. There were others he was more concerned about anyways and they were all high ranking and very loyal to his General. Getting caught now, in this predicament would be a sort of birthday present for Hux who already suspected that he and Rey had killed Snoke together.

He knew that Hux was desperate to work out exactly what their relationship was and expose it, publicly, and preferably preceding an execution. Ben recalled thinking that was rather ironic considering even he didn’t know what their relationship was or ever had been. Ben knew if he could get Rey to the hangar and onto her ship from the ducts then he could go back to the brig alone easily. It was not lost on him that it took almost no time at all for him to come up with such a treasonous plan just to make sure she got off this ship alive. But to be fair, it also took him no time at all to decide to kill his Master of several decades to keep her safe. So he decided it was best to just accept the pattern and move on.

Their options left little choice but to go back the way she’d come and onto the hangar. At least the hangar would be closer than her insane plan to crawl all the way to the bow of the ship. His would only take about twenty minutes. He assumed she’d know the way to each exit considering they had obviously done their research to get her into these passageways. “How did you find your way through these vents? Blueprints? Stolen I presume?” “No actually, Finn worked sanitation here so he was able to tell me how to get around.” He didn’t have to ask. He knew that Finn must be the name that FN-2187 was going by now. The traitorous stormtrooper who he fought on Starkiller. He’d been with Rey once before she came to him to face Snoke when the bond opened and they’d been laughing. He hated the man already but seeing that filled him with a red hot feeling he hadn’t ever experienced before. He thought it best to ignore that topic altogether if he was going to avoid starting an argument.

“We need to head towards the bridge. That will give us access to the hangar.” She looked back with that skepticism once again and he knew she wasn’t entirely trusting of his sudden willingness to be so helpful. He could have explained to her that being in charge of the First Order for the last several months had given him a uniquely awful insight into what this organization actually does in a way he was not privy to with Snoke around. That he never wanted this job and that his plan on doing it was contingent on her joining him. Something he failed to mention to her. Maybe he would have gotten around to it had she not called his grandfathers lightsaber to her impulsively before they could flesh out any kind of arrangement.

But he knew this would cause her to bring up the Resistance and even his mother, and he’d prefer not to argue in such close quarters. They can have that fight another time, in fact he’s counting on it. After a few minutes of crawling and stopping over unsealed ventilation points to ensure no one below could see or hear them, they came to the end of the first duct. There were passages to the right and left and he pointed to indicate which way. The one they needed to enter had a seal over the entry point on the side they needed to traverse. Rey got herself up onto her hands and knees fully and began yanking on the hatch, trying to sever the lock with a small knifelike tool she’d pulled from the back of her pants near her blaster.

Ben was moving slower than her through the passage because of his size and when he finally caught up to her he took a glance behind them to appease his illogical concern that they were being followed. When he turned back around, he was, for the second time in one day, met with Rey’s ass inches from his face. She appeared to be trying to pry the hatch open which was causing her to lunge back and forth and his eyes fixated of their own volition. “It’s locked, I can’t get it open.” Her words pulled him from his reverie. “Uh…use the Force” he blurted out, not able to focus on the issue at hand so he said the first thing that came to mind.

 _“Use the Force”_ she impersonated him under her breathe. “Don’t you think I thought of that?” She was mad now. “I have a lot of strength but without anyone to show me what I’m doing… uuugh. If I try to do this it will make too much noise. The sound might even reverberate through the ducts.” Her voice became meeker at this point. “I don’t have any control over myself or this power. It’s making me crazy.” “Did you just mock me?” He grinned at her. At every turn, he felt himself needing to disarm the onslaught of fights they could have over the immense number of topics they disagreed on.

It was like navigating a minefield so he just ignored the ones that seemed primed to blow. He knew why she was angry and it was justifiable. Even before Luke died, he was unwilling to teach her things that would be in any way useful to her. Ben wanted to point out that he had offered to teach her these exact things but again, that seemed like a comment that would cause more harm than help. He knew she wouldn’t appreciate the reminder right now. He mentally added it to the ever growing list of things they couldn’t discuss without fighting.

“Look” she continued, “I’m sorry okay. It’s just so frustrating to have these abilities I don’t understand and I have no one to show me. It doesn’t matter, we don’t have time for this. You’re gonna need to do it. And I have no idea where we’re going at this point so you may as well be up front and lead the way.” She was starting to get antsy about the time it was taking to find her friends, he could tell. He let out a sigh. He was able to tell where they had travelled thus far thanks to the small vents below their bodies which opened about every fifteen feet. He recognized each entryway. He knew they were close. “I have no idea how you expect me get in front of you, I can barely fit in here to begin with.” She rolled her eyes and motioned toward the closed hatch.

“This one that’s closed off that we need to get into is a little wider. The heating and cooling actually run through different shafts to avoid burning up or freezing to death should one of them malfunction. They are separated to regulate.” He quirked his eyebrow at how much research she had done for this utterly reckless mission. “Okay. Move over, so I can open it.” She pressed her back to the side of the duct and flattened out as much as she could, laying in a line. She was looking up at the door waiting for it to break open which afforded him the opportunity to notice the way her black underclothes clung to her curves. He knew immediately if Rey could read his mind she’d kick him again so he stretched out his hand and got to work.

Envisioning the lock and a small push, the hatch popped open. She was right, it was wider, but not by much. She crawled forward through the connector and he followed. She looked around and formulated. “Okay so I’ll get as close to the wall as I can, like I just did and you just move by me and get up ahead.” He nodded. He had begun to feel hot before, back when they first started this journey wearing his thick tunic and gloves but now, even with the heating ducks turned off completely it was still getting to be too warm. She was looking back down at him waiting for him to move past her when he stopped and put one of his gloved hands to his teeth. He pulled it off and then removed the other. He balled them up and placed them both in his belt. When he looked back up at her she was staring with her mouth slack and eyes a bit wider than usual. His brow furrowed in confusion and she snapped right back to incredulous Rey. “Come on, come on.”

She hurried him along. He started to shimmy his body up past her, each lying on their sides, backs to the walls. It was a tight squeeze and it was proving difficult for Rey to remain plastered to the side of the vent when the gravity in the ship was working against her. There was nothing to hang onto in the smooth durasteel passages to keep herself upright. He was able to shimmy up to where his face was just above her waist when suddenly he realized it was not the best choice to have gotten this far with his arms down. They were essentially stuck that way. “I need – I uh. I need to get my arms above you.” “Okay, um. Just…”

They both knew they weren’t making any sense but they were able to surmise what the other needed in order for this to work. She curled in on herself and did what she could to make herself smaller so that his right arm could fit above and around her body, finally coming up over her head. This afforded him the opportunity to haul himself forward and now they were eye level. Of course, in order to make room for said arm, she had to press herself against him and now their breath was mingling and there was nowhere to look away from one another while they got ready for the second half of this maneuver. She glanced up above their heads to see how much further they’d need to go and when she looked back at him he was staring at her mouth before quickly looking away. She found that the light that had left his eyes was suddenly back. Only this time with a much more feverish look. Her eyes shot everywhere and she had a moment of panic. “Okay just snake yourself forward however you can and I’ll just try to keep out of the way.”

She pushed back off the wall behind him to put some separation between their bodies. She realized if she put her foot on the opposite wall behind him she could get a lot more leverage and be out of his way enough that he could move right up and ahead. She hitched her leg up over his thigh and pushed.

His body went a little rigid and he looked down at her, hovering a few inches ahead of her now.

“What are you doing?”

She repeatedly got her foot on the wall behind him only for it to slide off because there wasn’t enough distance to create any leverage. When he realized what she was doing, he had forgotten what they were trying to accomplish in the first place and had a new, singular goal. Make the thrusting stop.

The friction, the closeness, it was overtaking him and he was beginning to worry that his body was going to betray him in a scenario in which there was physically no escape. Their bodies were completely flush, he was making no progress with upwards movement, and she was grinding herself up against him repeatedly. Up, down, all over, rubbing against him, completely involved in her strategy.

“Rey.”

She was still kicking, or thrusting, or whatever the hell she was doing. He took a deep breath and repeated himself with what he hoped was a tone of urgency.

 _“Rey.”_ He groaned.

"What?” She finally looked at him, shifting focus from the wall.

“Stop moving.”

“But im trying to make room for you. I can’t –“ Another thrust. “I can’t get out of the way unless I get my leg up.” She continued the grinding, seemingly oblivious to his reaction. “If I can just…” In lieu of explaining she opted to just keep doing what she was doing in order to prove her point. But it was too late. Ben’s body had in fact betrayed him and he knew he only had seconds before she noticed his hardened length pressing against her leg and she likely murdered him. Or perhaps he would die of embarrassment before it came to that and he could spare her the blood on her hands.

He had one arm up over them and the other stuck downwards in a sort of trap underneath his own body. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply to try to calm the rush of blood. She was wriggling around at this point to re-position herself, still ignoring his pleas. Always with the pleading. He could now add ‘stop grinding against me unless you intend to see it through’ to the list of things he pleads with her for. One last thrust on her part and he snapped.

“Rey _stop_ moving!” he nearly shouted in her face.

His hand came down aggressively on her thigh to still it’s movements. She was so jarred that she froze in place. They both stayed there in silence for what felt like forever, breathing heavily. Rey from her exertion and effort and Ben from his attempts to regain some semblance of control over his body. He instantly felt bad for his outburst but he was positive that she’d appreciate it if she had the full context. “I’m sorry. I just...” He trailed off. 

He took a deep breath.

After Starkiller, he had slowly come to accept that he was going to die at the end of her lightsaber at some point. After it was destroyed, he knew he'd still die by her hand and that only the circumstances had changed. Perhaps she'd grow strong enough in the Force to overpower him. Or maybe they'd meet in an ariel assault and she'd shoot him out of the sky with a laser cannon because he would never be able to pull the trigger on her. The weapons and scenarios changed in his mind but he never questioned whether or not she would be the one to end him.

In this moment, with her hazel eyes boring into his, her thigh still hithed up over his waist and her chest heaving, he is more certain than he has ever been that she will be the death of him.


	5. Someone Has To Save Our Skins

“Yeah. Okay.” She responded quietly, aware that something had passed between them and she was now trapped here to face the consequences with no means of escape. She had a pretty good sense of what he was worrying about when he was asking her to stop but she thought if she could just get her damn foot up and push off him then he’d be able to get by her before it became a real issue. Then they’d never ever address it or acknowledge it. She could not have been more wrong. Now she actually felt bad for ignoring him as his eyes looked around everywhere but at her. He was breathing deeply, probably trying to will himself back into submission she was certain. Unfortunately they were still so close that his heavy breathing caused her own chest to compress against him and he hadn’t moved his hand from her thigh. She was telling herself to remove it for him but she just….couldn’t.

She had no idea what had come over her. She knew she should be making every effort to get out of this position and out of this entire situation but this was the closest they had ever been and she was unprepared for how good it felt. She didn't understand anything about their bond but she did understand that the Force seemed more at ease, even content when they were close rather than walling each other off. At least this is how she justified her traitorous thoughts. She was kicking and writhing desperately before he snapped, but not because she was unaware of what was happening but instead because she was feeling it too, even before that, and she needed to do anything in her power to put some space between them. Once she felt his hard length along her leg, she knew her plan had utterly backfired. “Ben.” His eyes snapped to hers just like they did in the lift on the way to meet Snoke....and their fates.

What was she going to say? Why couldn’t she think of anything? She lost all train of thought as his eyes were boring into hers and his breathing was steadying. “I think that if…we don’t try to do this side by side we may have better luck.” She trailed her hand over his, feather light and slid his hand off her thigh slowly like she was trying not to spook a wild bantha. His eyes continued to dart between hers. He nodded in agreement. She began to squirm again but made sure that there was no connection between their bodies below their abdomens now. She started to press her shoulders into the floor. “Just crawl up over me. Wh----whenever you’re ready.” She winced at having to say that part.

“At this point, there is no other option.” He seemed to be in some sort of trance but again he nodded. They shifted so that she was lying on her back and he naturally leaned over her body to make room. He had one hand on either side of her head bracketing her, and one leg on the outside of her right thigh. The other settled in between her legs, which did not go unnoticed by her. Rey had been looking off to the side to avoid the imminent uncomfortableness she knew that this terrible idea would bring. She decided that she’d stare at the side wall until he was entirely up and over her. She once again found herself staring at his hands though, just as they had distracted her when he used his teeth to remove his gloves. She mentally chastised herself for being so fascinated by something to silly. Ever since their conversation in the hut when the bond opened and they connected in more ways than one, she had spent a good deal of her alone time thinking about those hands. A fact that she was deeply ashamed of considering she was supposed to hate this man. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook away the thought.

She waited but he didn’t move.

“Rey?” His voice was low and breathy. So different from how it had sounded only minutes ago.

She looked up and he was inches from her face, and his lower body had sagged so that their lower halves were much closer but not touching. It was already too warm but now that they were passing body heat back and forth and she was burning up. His eyes looked her over as if he was trying to get an answer to a question he hadn’t actually asked. “Ben.” She exhaled. Her voice was barely audible and she hadn’t meant for it to come out like that. Her heart was pounding and before she could make an attempt to calm it down he leaned down to close the distance between them and she felt as if she was being pulled into him with the force of a black hole. He stopped centimeters from her mouth, eyes fixed on her lips. And then scanning down her upper body and back up to her face, he quirked an eyebrow at her.

“What is that smell?” His face scrunched up for the briefest second.

She was so taken aback and caught off guard that she was about to snap something back at him instinctively from the feeling of rejection when she suddenly realized what it was that he was talking about.

“Oh. That. I had to crawl through a trash compactor to get to the part of ths ship I was heading for.”

He was still inches from her face, his body covering hers almost completely. His brow furrowed and his increasing judgement caused the initial reaction she felt to boil back to the surface.

“Don’t look at me like that! I was doing just fine on my own and I don’t remember inviting you to join me up here!” Her outburst caught him off guard and without hesitating he was pulled into the grips of the bickering that seemed to coat their every interaction. They were still inches from one anothers face.

“Really? You didn’t look like you were doing just fine when I found you trapped in a storage closet on _my_ ship scavenger.” He snapped.

“I was working out a plan! Ugh just get off you nerfherder.” She pushed her hands against his chest knowing full well it wouldn’t do a thing to move him in the cramped space but what she really wanted to do was punch him and there was no room for that so this would have to do.

He huffed at her and started his trek up over her. He was moving slowly, his movements precise and she got the impression he was trying not to hurt her. She placed her hands flat across her stomache to ensure they didn’t drag along any part of his body, scared that any touch at this point might distract her from her objective. He very carefully cleared the last hurdle, clambering his hulking body over her head without kicking or kneeing her. When he was finally in front of her in the duct, she turned onto her stomache and began crawling behind him. They moved like this in silence for nearly ten minutes when he finally spoke.

“I don’t know why you kept saying you’re looking for your friends, plural. They’ve only captured one person.” Rey didn’t miss the fact that he had referred to the First Order as ‘they’ rather than ‘we’. Everything about what was happening with Ben seemed out of character but she didn’t have time to get into all of that right now. Relief flooded her that only one person had been found and not two but then she took a minute to consider this. There was no way that Finn and Rose would have split up and there was an even less likely chance that one of them would have been able to escape detainment if they were caught which left only one possibility.

“Poe.” She sighed to herself, feeling the anxiety rise. It made sense to her now why he hadn’t reached out on the comms. She was considering how much of this mission she wanted to reveal to Ben. She still didn’t have any idea what his endgame was here even though she felt his honesty when he said he didn’t want to take her prisoner. That didn’t mean he had any real concern for getting her friends out of there alive and he didn’t exactly promise not to detain them. But if she was being honest with herself, something entirely out of the ordinary was going on with him and she couldn’t fall back on his old motives to judge the situation since she’d noticed the change in him even before arriving here through their increasingly strange connection.

She looked ahead at his black boots, knees dragging along the durasteel and thought that whatever had happened to him in the last few months that led him, the previously incensed, impulsive Supreme Leader of the First Order, to lead her to safety through the ducts of the Finalizer on his hands and knees, then surely she should trust him with all the pertinent information needed to get out of here. She took a deep breathe and hoped she wasn’t being as naïve as she had been when she went to him on the Supremacy and assumed he’d just galavant away from years of dedication to join her and her cause.

Once the dust and stress settled only a few days after Crait and she was able to reflect, it hadn’t taken her long to feel stupid about how little she had thought through that entire plan. She couldn’t even really call it a plan at all since she hadn’t taken into consideration Ben the person or what he might want or need. But now she needed to make a decision on whether she could really rely on him. And this time she wasn’t going to let some obscure vision or preconceived notions cloud her. She knew she needed to take into account his actions and trust the Force when it told her he was sincere. She needed to trust him.

_____________________________________________________________________________

At some point, a few weeks after his attack on Crait when he began to realize the weight of his decision to stay and lead the First Order, he had found himself getting lost in thoughts during meetings and briefings. Especially the ones where Hux droned on, his shrill voice grating on the last of Kylo’s nerves. He’d drift off, imagining himself with Rey. They were always far away from everyone and everything, sometimes in isolated places in the Galaxy, doing any manner of things from the innately domicile to the obscene. It was always a different setting but the main themes remained. She was there, with him, and there were no distractions to pull her away. No Resistance, no First Order, no war, not even the trappings of Jedi nonsense to distract her. Just him, Rey and the Force. This, he believes, is when Hux’s mild suspicion grew into full blown conspiracy since he’d never seen Kylo Ren that distracted.

Very shortly after, Ben discovered that Hux had finally made good on his word to place an enormous bounty on the scavenger’s head, knowing full well that any attempt to get the bounty removed by the new Supreme Leader would only confirm his suspicions about what happened to Snoke. And now, here he was. Clambering through his own ship, her in tow, looking for Resistance prisoners and infiltrators. To what? Rescue for her? He hadn’t even really thought that far ahead.

She hadn’t said a word in ten minutes since he crawled over her and lost all sense of reason and almost kissed her. He knew it was stupid but it had been just like that familiar feeling he sometimes got when his mind was telling him to do one thing, like move away from her, but his body processed the signals all wrong and he felt like he had no control over what came next. That had only happened to him a handful of times in his life that he could recall. He had no idea what came over him on Takodana when he found himself waving his hand across her mind and marching off with her. It was like he was on the outside of himself looking in when she was staring up at him from the floor of the throne room, eyes pleading with him to do the one thing he hadn’t been strong enough to do his whole life before he met her. He was drawn to her like a magnet when she was on Luke’s island and he still cannot comprehend what compelled him to slip off his glove and reach for her there. And here and now, they were crawling in uncomfortable silence towards imminent danger and he needed things to not be so tense. Not if he was going to get her off this ship.

He needed her to trust him.

He cleared his throat. “I don’t know why you kept saying you’re looking for your friends, plural. They’ve only captured one person.” Silence followed and he was sure she was going to just ignore him the rest of the way. But after a few moments he heard her muttering under her breathe to herself. “Poe.” Ben was instantly irritated. Of course Dameron was here. Especially if Leia had ordered this mission. He didn’t relish the idea of doing anyone in the Resistance any favors but having to help the pilot who had obviously always been the son that Leia wanted made Ben grit his teeth. He’d grown up around Dameron thanks to Leia’s unending involvement with the Rebels and Poe’s parents and he knew that he had probably become more insufferable as the years passed. He had already questioned to himself whether he could successfully help the traitorous stormtrooper who Rey seemed to find so funny without lashing out at him with his lightsaber again and now he finds that he also has to release Poe kriffing Dameron.

He was just beginning to question his reasoning for being in this mess in the first place when he suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad. Sad and afraid. It took him a minute to realize that he was feeling Reys emotions. Ones that were so strong they were threatening to consume her. And just like that he forgot all about his anger and was just overcome with the sudden urge to make her feel better and calm her fears in any way that he could. “That’s a good thing Rey. That they only found one.” “If they found Poe then they found our transport. He was guarding it which means we’re stranded. And I have no idea where Finn and Rose are and no way to contact them.” “We’re coming up on the hangar bay, we’ll figure it out. Its gonna be okay.” She didn’t respond this time. He stopped his forward movement and turned back to her as best he could in the small space. “Rey. Do you trust me?” Her eyes came up to meet his and for a fraction of a second he regretted asking the question.

What if she said no?

“Yes. I do.”

Relief passed over him. “Good. Because we’re here. This dropdown should lead us to the hangar and I’ll find you a ship. Once we’re down there I need you to do everything I say, no questions. Okay?” An even longer silence followed this time and she finally responded.

“Okay.” He tried to let his astonishment show that she was actually going to do what he told her too. 

He crawled right over the hatch and had her remove it, then backed up and swung his legs down landing in a smaller sized room off the hangar where the soldiers got caf and food so they wouldn’t have to go all the way to the mess on the other side of the ship. Her legs swung down and he reached up instinctively and wrapped his hands around her waist to guide her safely to the floor. Her eyes met his and he realized he hadn’t gotten a chance to really see her this whole time. He found himself momentarily lost in her features. Her hair was falling out of the tie it had been pulled back in and strands of it were curling all around her face. He wanted to brush it out of her eyes and tuck it behind her ear. She whispered “Ben.” He followed her eyes down to where she was looking and realized that he was still holding onto her. His hands came down to his sides from her waist and he spun around to look out the small window that faced the hangar. “It seems your traitor has already made his way back to the ship.” He said, pointing towards a large group of stormtroopers mulling around, searching the area.

“Where? He’s in that group? How do you know it’s him?” He thought it was perhaps not the best time to tell her that while he was razing a village, on Jakku of all places, he was keenly aware of the traitor who had not followed orders. He was briefly taken back to that moment when the two men stared at one another, Ben sensing him in the Force, a strong signature amongst his own ranks. He realized just now that neither Rey nor the traitor have become aware of his own potential Force sensitivities despite the fact that they spend everyday together. She really does need a teacher, he thought.

He ignored her question and began looking over all the lockers, searching for one that was latched. He found one that was closed and with a pass of his hand, broke the lock and opened the door. He shoved a stormtrooper uniform at her roughly.

“Put this on. Now.”

“What? Why?”

“Rey, we said we’d do this my way now stop asking questions and do as I say.” Incensed at the order but mostly his tone, she immediately scoffed.

“if I recall –“ But before she could finish he took two large strides toward her until their bodies were nearly pressed against one another. With his head tilted down towards her, their faces were inches apart and he knew she was caught off guard. They did not have time for her constant questioning. “Rey.” He cut her off. “I thought we had already gone over this but I’ll ask again.” He spoke in a lower octave than usual and his words were precise. His eyes were darkened and were darting between hers. He mustered all of his strength not to let them shoot down to her lips which were slightly parted.

“Do you trust me?” Her eyes matched his movements and she finally responded. “Yes.”

She scrambled to get the gear on. He went to the window to check their surroundings and then came back and picked up the stormtrooper helmet. She was adjusting her hair as he tried to place the helmet over her head. She batted his hands away repeatedly and took it from him. Setting it on with a huff. 

“Give me your commlink.” She hesitated. This would be the final act. The thing that could prevent her from trying to warn Finn or Rose. He waited. She handed it to him and he dropped it on the floor and crushed it under his boot. An audible gasp came from inside her helmet. “When we leave here you’ll find FN-2-“  
“Finn. His name is Finn.”

“You’ll find FN-2187 and take a Superiority TIE from the hangar and go. They’re two-seaters. They’re dispatching entire squadrons because they are anticipating a Resistance attack. One that’s not coming.” 

“Finn’s never flown a TIE before.”

“And he’s not going to. You are.”

She cocked her head to the side at this. The idea sounded great. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t admired Bens Silencer the few times she’d seen it and she found herself wondering what it would be like get into the pilots seat. But she’d never flown anything like that before and today was not the day for learning.

“Ben. I don’t know how to..” 

“How did you know how to pilot the Falcon?”

“What?” She’s thrown off by his change of topic. “I don’t know. It just felt natural.”

He cocked an eyebrow at that and she could tell even through her confining helmet that he was keeping something to himself. 

“Something tells me you’ll figure it out.”

“Okay but I’m not leaving without Rose and Poe.” 

He completely ignored her and continued on with his instructions. “You’ll be tracked but with the chaos you’ll be able to make it to Coruscant and find a new ship by the time they can actually get a transport out to follow you. Get off world immediately once you do.” He was still glancing out of the window to the hangar while he explained and then he felt her hand grasp his arm. She had taken her helmet back off and was staring up at him with her back against the wall just as he had his.

“Ben.” She was holding his arm so that he couldn’t shirk away from the next thing she said nervously. “I don’t know what’s happened to you and I really don’t think we have time to get into all of it…but I meant what I said. I do…trust you. So please. Please don’t make me regret it.”

Unprepared for the feelings of regret that washed over him at the sight of her face, knowing that she was thinking of Crait and his onslaught, he chewed on the inside of his cheek and his jaw worked over itself to find the right thing to say. 

But as always. He couldn’t. He was always so comfortable with rage and destruction and violence but the feelings she stirred in him were so long buried that he thought he’d never have to face them again. He nodded slowly to her in acknowledgment. 

She placed her helmet back on one final time and they walked out into the hangar. Ben immediately strode off towards the corridor without so much as a word. 

Rey headed straight for Finn having kept an eye on him since Ben pointed him out. He wasn’t in a formation but then again, no one seemed to be. They all looked like they were searching ships maybe. She tried to keep her pace even so she wouldn’t stand out. She brushed up against him and nearly whispered. 

“Finn.” He almost jerked away but she could tell through his stoic apparatus that he was searching her height and build.

“Rey!” He was also whispering but his enthusiasm always came through. “I thought they caught you I’m so glad you’re okay!” How did you get back here?” 

“Nevermind we don’t have time for that. We are going to take a Superiority TIE and get off this ship. They’re disembarking so we have to go now if we want to blend.”

“What? What about Poe and Rose? Did they already get away?”

Rey clenched her jaw and sucked in a breath. She was forever going to hate herself for what she was about to do. But she trusted Ben for inexplicable reasons that even she was struggling to comprehend and she knew Finn would never understand. Not to mention they had no time for explanations. If they were going to get out of here alive it had to be now and Finn wasn’t going to leave without them or accept the promise that Kylo Ren was going to figure out how to help. She refused to let herself think that Ben could stride away from her after looking at her like that and not do the one thing she trusted him to do. 

“Yes. They…are safe.” She had a gnawing in her gut when she said it. Finn let out a sigh of relief and immediately straightened up. 

“Okay, lets go.” He led her to the nearest TIE two seater and they climbed in amongst a bustle of other troopers doing the same. They strapped their harnesses on and even amidst the danger and possibility of capture looming over them, nothing quelled the exhilaration and adrenaline that pumped through her veins every time she was about to pilot something. The snap of the straps and the click of the harness had her heart pounding out of her chest. 

“You know how to fly one of these things!?” Finn shouted from the back pit.

She took a breathe and her lips involuntarily quirked up into a smile. “Something tells me I’ll figure it out.”


	6. Forgive Me. I Feel It Again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo kills someone, which he's been missing. 
> 
> Rey meets a ghost!

It had been one full day since Rey and Finn made it back to Hoth from Coruscant. They ditched the TIE knowing full well it would be a death sentence to try to barter with it. They were able to get a small freighter from the ship dock thanks to Rey’s new affinity for Force suggestion. She knew if they hung around they’d bring the First Order down on everyone so she made a mental note to return to that dock soon and pay the man for the ship he didn’t know he was providing.

One full day of silence about the fate of Poe and Rose. And because Rey had chosen to lie to Finn about their safety in the first place, she now had to keep up that lie while her friends’ lives hung in the balance. As soon as they arrived back, Rey went to work lowering her carefully constructed shields to allow him access to their bond once again, hoping that Ben would contact her and let her know they were okay.

He was there, a dull hum in the recesses of her mind but no response. She got a sick feeling in her stomach when she heard nothing by the second night. As soon as they got back they were asked to brief top command of everything that happened. They had not achieved their goal of acquiring the intel, they had left two of their comrades behind and the whole thing had been a mess. Rey had to lie at every turn in an effort to leave Ben out of her version of events. Thankfully Finn was a distraction to everyone, rambling and taking up all the oxygen in the room but only because his actions had actually been quite useful.

Rey on the other hand had allowed herself to get increasingly distracted by the enemy and even went as far as to leave her friends behind because he told her they’d be okay. The man who was the sole reason they had so few fighters left to begin with. Who had asked her to rule over the galaxy with him like a couple of entitled autocrats. She let herself believe this same man was going to save her friends who he had made repeatedly clear he wanted dead. She felt so stupid. She had been betrayed and her friends would pay for her mistake with their lives. She was starting to feel like she was going to combust.

The guilt was eating away at her like a toxin trapped in a container. Everyone was still focused on Finns version of events which unlike Rey’s, actually happened. Apparently he and Rose had made it all the way to their target when Poe commed them to let them know that it seemed like some kind of shift change was happening in the hangar amongst the troops and he just narrowly avoided being approached by a legion commander when he was mulling around their transport.

Finn told Rose it wasn’t worth Poe getting caught and that she needed to abandon her attempts to retrieve the intel from the holopads they successfully located. Rose, stubborn as ever refused to stop the data retrieval when it was so close to being complete. Finn was getting anxious about Poe so he told the pilot to make his way to them, and then Finn would return to the hangar in his place.

Their journey through the halls of the Finalizer had taken mere minutes compared to Rey’s long and grueling climb. Once Poe arrived, Finn told the Resistance admirals and commanders that he returned to their ship to keep watch in the hangar, knowing that he had the experience and knowledge to interact with any of his old commanders should they approach. Once back at the ship, the alarm went off and there was chaos. Troopers filed into the area in the hundreds.

Finn didn’t know if it had been Poe and Rose, or Rey who were caught. He then explained that shortly after this, Rey appeared beside him with her plan to blend in with the other TIE fighters since they could no longer take their ship without suspicion. Rey was thankful that everyone in the Resistance command center seemed to be hanging on his every word but she definitely couldn’t have missed Leia’s frequent pensive gazes in her direction.

Chewie had once told her that Leia was a Sabacc pro and the only person to ever come close to beating him. This all made perfect sense to Rey considering that Leia was impossible to read and was able to steel her emotions away under the mask of a General. A far cry from her son who had to craft a literal mask to hide his every emotion from being displayed across his face.

As the meeting wrapped up, Rey attempted to duck out of the room as quickly as possible but was cornered in the hallway by Finn. “Rey wait up.” He jogged to catch her. “What happened? I thought you said they were safe?” “Finn I’m so sorry. I really thought they were.” She assumed that he will take this to mean “Force Business” as he so often refers to it. All of these lies and mistruths were coalescing into a spider web that was bound to ensnare her in a trap of her own creation. She needed to get some space to think.

“I’ve gotta get some things out of the Falcon. I’ll let you know if I hear anything okay?” He shrugged, clearly not happy with her lack of enthusiasm about what to do next. She walked all the way to the furthest corner of the hangar where the Falcon sat unused for months. But that didn’t stop her from spending innumerable hours in the ship hiding out from her fellow resistance fighters and recapturing some of the isolation she thought she’d once hated living alone for all those years. Some things just become a part of you and she had accepted that this need for seclusion was one of them. She plopped down into the pilot seat and centered herself.

She curled her legs up into the seat and breathed deeply. She reached out to the atmosphere, the stars, the expanse of space and time. Searching. _Ben. Ben…_

After a few minutes of silence she let her body crumple in on itself. She jumped out of the chair and stalked to the cargo bay. She went over leftover supplies from its previous flight and accounted for one weeks worth of food and stores. Then she pulled up a crate that was tucked behind an old red toolkit that she knew was Hans. She opened the crate and unraveled the brown rags, placing all the disassembled pieces of Anakin Skywalkers lightsaber on the floor.

She sat down in front of the pile of broken parts and began piecing things together as she had been doing for two months. If Ben wasn’t going to keep his promise, then she’d need to make things right herself. She would need to get her friends back.

The next time she stepped foot on that ship she told herself, she would trust only in herself and the Force.

And she’d bring a working fucking lightsaber.

____________________

When Ben left Rey in the hangar and headed directly to the bridge, he became intensely aware that he no longer had his mask. He really saw its merits at a time like this and it gave him a sense of distinction between his many selves.

When he arrived beside his General, the man made sure to keep his gaze straight ahead in a show of indifference. Ben knew how much it ate away at Hux to have to address him as his superior and take orders from him. It was all he could do not to lash out and Ben relished every thought he passed over in his head. “Supreme Leader. How nice of you to finally join us.” “General.” Ben ignored his attempts to draw him in. He didn’t have time for this.

“Call Knita Ren back to the Finalizer immediately. Alert me when she’s arrived.”

At this, Hux finally spun around to face him as Ben was already stalking off. “Are you in the least bit concerned that we have Resistance _scum_ infiltrating our ship as we speak Supreme Leader? I think that should take precedence over the business of a Knight of Ren right this moment.” He scoffed just about every other word.

Ben stopped, turning his head back just slightly in Hux’s direction. His fist clenched slowly and purposefully and he envisioned the Generals windpipe in his grasp. As Hux clawed and grabbed at his throat, Ben spoke slowly.

“What concerns me General is that I have allowed you to conclude that I require your opinion on the matter. I will not repeat myself and you will do well to remember that.” Hux had been hovering a few inches off the floor and was suddenly dropped in a heap. “Alert me when she is here, immediately.”

At that, he stalked off and headed for the brig. When he arrived at the entrance to the cells, Kylo Ren, his current persona he so seamlessly slipped back into, instructed the guards to show him to the newest arrivals.

This took him all the way down a long hall and nearly to the end of a row of cells. At the end, the trooper motioned toward a block and Kylo waved them away.

“Leave us.”

This wasn’t an uncommon occurrence as he’d retrieved many prisoners in his time as Snokes personal henchman. He didn’t particularly like dispatching people but it hadn’t really bothered him much either if he was being honest. That was what Kylo Ren was created to do and he did it well.

He placed his hand on the security pad and the door hissed open. Poe Dameron was sitting in the corner with his legs sticking straight out, crumpled slightly to the side. He had a bruise on his temple and blood stained his hairline and shirt. Not entirely unlike the last time Ben had seen him.

When he looked up and saw Kylo Ren he let out a smug scoff although the weezing sound deceived his arrogance. He was hurting. Kylo eyed him up and down, grimacing at having to look at this man again.

Would he ever be free from of his past? Even these recycled faces from his adolescence kept popping up at every turn.

“How tall are you?” This question brought Dameron back to life a little.

“Fuck you.” He spit back.

Kylo rolled his eyes. “Get up.”

Poe’s head lolled to the side but he made no effort to move. Kylo knew he had already been interrogated or at least roughed up for questioning so he was unlikely to suddenly follow orders judging by the injuries he’d allowed himself to sustain. He turned and walked out of the cell and shut the door.

“Where is the other prisoner?” The stormtrooper turned at Kylo’s voice from down the hall.

“Taken for questioning Sir.”

“No one goes in or out of this cell.” He said motioning toward Poe. “No one speaks to this prisoner except me.”

“Yes sir.”

He made his way to the interrogation room. Again, he placed his hand on another security pad and the door opened. He saw the back of an interrogation chair, angled slightly upward not unlike how he had secured Rey in another life. It was clear that there was someone strapped down in the chair and he made his way around to the front, the door hissing shut behind him. As he rounded the chair, he saw a petite woman with black hair.

Next to her was a table with the cuffs that had been used to transport her up here. A quick sweep of her mind told him she wasn’t unconscious but her head slouched forward and her eyes were closed. She had blood around her hairline, similar to Dameron and cuts along her cheekbones where the blood was dripping down her face. He glanced down to see that her shirt, the same black outfit that Rey had been wearing, was torn from her shoulder over her clavicles and the top of the fabric hung down, her breastband just barely peeking out. She was just starting to bruise under her left eye.

Kylo had interrogated many of Snokes captives over the years. At the time, he was the only person on the ship that performed such tasks because his use of the Force made it quick and usually without much fanfare. He’d call on the Force, rummage around in their mind and take what he wanted. And although this was painful for some, he never considered himself to be sadistic in the way he took things. It hurt his captives sometimes, to have their minds ransacked, he knew that. But he did not have a need to _take_ the way that others did.

He reached a hand up as gently as possible and lifted her cheek to examine the rest of her face which was tilted down. As soon as his gloved hand grazed her skin she snapped her head back and gasped. With the overhead light now shining down directly on her he was able to see that her bruising was far worse than he thought. “I’m not telling you anything.” She seethed at him

He gestured to her shirt. “Who did this to you?”

She didn’t respond. With the event having taken place so recently he knew he could skim her mind painlessly and not have to drag this exchange on. He found what he was looking for as her eyes bore into his face in a gaze of defiance.

Unfortunately, all of his troopers looked the same in their uniforms. He beckoned the two stormtroopers guarding the door into the room. They stood at attention, weapons in hand. Kylo searched the mind of the man closest to their captive. He had remained outside the room while she was restrained. He motioned for him to return to his post, none the wiser about what had just taken place.

He searched the mind of the remaining trooper. He found the interaction almost immediately. He had brought the detainee into the room while the other remained at the door. He strapped her into the chair as he had been trained to do in preparation for questioning. She took the opportunity to warn him that they would get no information from her. At this comment, the trooper backhanded her. Kylo watched the interaction unfold in the stormtroopers memory. He saw her bruises appear. Her shirt ripped across her chest and uniformed hands caressing her skin. Mumbled threats about what he was going to do if she spoke again.

And upon pulling away, Kylo sensed immense fear. He recognized that it was radiating from their detainee, more than likely at having to now share space with not only the man who just assaulted her, but also the treacherous Supreme Leader.

Kylo couldn’t help but think that the fear really ought to be coming from his soldier.

He reached out and took the troopers blaster rifle in a gesture so calm he could have been inspecting it. He spun the weapon around slowly and then lunged, slamming the butt of it into the soldiers face with the full force of his strength, crushing the front of his helmet inward. The man’s feet left the floor and he smashed into the durasteel wall behind him. He spun the weapon back around with ease and placed it in the dead stormtroopers lap.

Without a word Kylo waved his hand and the locks around her wrists and ankles clicked open.

He took the cuffs from the side table and held them out to her. “Put these on.”

He could hear the questions racing through her mind mingled with fear and adrenaline but she was to terrified to say a word. She clicked her own cuffs on.

“Come with me.” She followed him out the door and he stopped in front of the remaining guard.

“You will leave this door closed and secured. No one is to go in there while I am working.” The troopers voice took on a monotone quality and he repeated the instructions.

Kylo’s long strides carried him quickly and Rose had to dash to keep up. When they returned to the brig she had worked up the courage to speak the question she had wanted to ask the whole time. “Why did you kill that stormtrooper?” Ben glanced back at her and then straight ahead again without responding.

They approached the hallway of cells and Rose peeked back at the guards when they didn’t move a muscle while the Supreme Leader walked by. He stopped in front of Damerons cell and opened the door.

“Inside.” He gestured. She gave him a quick questioning glance and came forward and stepped around the corner.

As soon as she saw her friend she was at his side. “Rose! You’re alive!” Poe did a quick once over of her and redness started to burn up along his neck and eventually all the way to his forehead. He jumped up and staggered forward towards Ben. “What did you do to her!”

Rose was on him immediately. “Poe no he didn’t do this. It wasn’t him.”

Ben had seen enough. He walked out letting the door hiss shut behind them.

He ordered the guards to get them bacta, a med droid and food immediately.

_____________________

Rey had been at it for hours. She had only very nearly repaired one tiny piece of the lightsaber. She sat on the floor with her legs in a V shape, Anakins lightsaber in bits and chunks spread out everywhere and Han’s opened red toolbox sitting on the outside of her leg where she could reach what she needed.

She leaned back, resting her palms to the floor and grunted in frustration. She was getting nowhere and there was no one left who could help. She had asked Leia shortly after Crait but the General told her that was one Jedi tradition she didn’t have enough experience in. She told her to check in the texts that she took from Luke’s island. Rey had already checked the texts before coming to her which is what led her to asking Leia in the first place so she just went in circles always ending with a broken saber and no answers.

She let her head hang back and looked at the ceiling before closing her eyes. She thought about what Poe and Rose must be going through right now and wondered if they were okay, hurt, alive even. This line of thinking led her to being angry at herself for trusting Ben which led her to being angry at Ben for being….well Ben. An enigma and the bane of her existence. Why lead her all the way through his ship, only to let her go and keep her friends? It made absolutely no sense and she was growing increasingly tired of trying to decipher his motives at every interaction.

“You don’t have all the pieces.”

Rey shrieked when she heard the disembodied voice. She glanced around and found movement in the darkened corner.

Not disembodied after all. She grabbed the first thing she could find from Hans toolbox, a crowbar, and jumped to her feet wielding it.

“Who are you?”

“Rey. Calm down.” She could just barely see the mans hands up, palms facing towards her in a show of surrender.

When he stepped forward she could see that he was much younger than she had anticipated. He looked older than her, but not by much. When he stepped fully out of the shadow of the cargo bay she had no doubt who this was. He had thick wavy hair just like Bens. The kind Rey thought about running her fingers through for months before she cut herself off from those runaway thoughts. But unlike Ben, his hair was sandy blonde, like Luke’s. Her breath hitched just a little. None of those things alone would have led her to her next conclusion though had it not been for the fact that he was glowing. He looked ethereal, transparent. In the exact way that she read about in the ancient Jedi texts.

“Anakin?”

He smiled then and she thought how sad it was that she didn’t know which Skywalker had his smile because there was always something so solemn plaguing that family. Luke hadn’t smiled at her once the whole time she’d known him. Leia had lost so much over the course of several wars. Ben had a smile, Rey knew that. She’d seen him smirk once, maybe twice. But a real smile? That was buried under a mask which was buried under a different mask. She didn’t think she’d ever see that. So here she was with the only Skywalker she had ever seen smile. And he was kriffing dead.

He moved forward slowly, hands faced palm up still, and continued to smirk. “I was just saying that you don’t have all of the pieces...of my lightsaber. You can sit here all night but you can’t repair it without all of the parts.” He spoke to her like they’d known each other forever and they were just catching up.

“What are you doing here?” She still stood in a defensive position in shock, not realizing that she still had the crowbar raised.

“I won’t fault you for using that on me, but I feel I should at least warn you, it won’t do any good.” The corners of his mouth quirked up. She glanced up to where his eyes trained on the crowbar and she lowered it and tossed it aside. She breathed heavy for a moment and collected her thoughts, studying him.

“Is this real?”

“Yes.”

“Why haven’t you spoken to Ben?”

He looked surprised for an instant.“Interesting. Upon your first meeting with an other worldly apparition, your first real inquiry is about my grandson.” He began to pace back and forth just outside of the shadows, his hands linked behind his back and his face hung as if considering something.

“He called to you for most of his adult life. Have you spoken to him?” Her words were sharp as if she were reprimanding him.

“I have not.”

She waited for him to continue. To give an expplanation and when he didn’t, she huffed as if his response was entirely inadequate.

“Do you know….that you are the third Skywalker man that I have tried to bash over the head with something?” He snickered at this but her face was rigid.

He seemed pensive for a moment. “Come to think of it, we really do have that effect on women.” He went to say something else but she continued, clearly not in the mood for jokes.

“Are you also aware that you are the third Skywalker man that I have had to argue with about Ben Solo's ability to return to the light?” He didn’t even try to answer this time. Just stood poised, still with the smirk.

"Are we arguing?" 

“Luke’s faith in Ben died years ago, and Ben’s faith in himself along with it. Now you stand here and tell me that all those times he called to you. Asked you for guidance, you were around and you didn't think to....to....” She was struggling to find the words. She wanted someone, anyone to ease the burden she felt when she thought the Force had asked such a monumental task of her. She tried to bring him back and failed everyone. Ben, Leia, Han. She suddenly felt anger that there were others who could have done a better job and they simply chose not to. 

His smile touched his eyes now, waiting for her to finish. This only frustrated her more because she didn’t find anything humorous about what they were discussing and she was growing impatient with his unwillingness to explain why he hadn’t come to his grandson in his time of need.

“Rey. I know it may seem like becoming one with the Force should grant some kind of divinatory abilities but the truth is much simpler. We are merely integrated back into the equilibrium of things without the anguish of having to carry the burdens of our short lives.”

She turned up her chin as if to signal him to keep going.

“I didn’t have the answers back when I was alive. I was able to heed the call back to the light at the end of my life because of my son’s belief that I was worth salvation. I did not make it back alone.”

“So what are you saying?”

“My story was no secret. My grandson was aware of the path I had chosen on the day I became one with the Force and no amount of retelling of that story directly would have changed his heart. Over the years he has been determined to fall fully into darkness, rid himself of any ties to the light.”

“But you didn’t even try.” She was exasperated at this point to hear from yet another one of Ben’s family members that they didn’t believe in him.

“Rey. It’s not that I didn’t believe in him.” He said calmly as he pulled the thought from her mind. “The Force has already chosen paths for all of us. But we make our own choices along these paths. It’s a delicate stability between fate and decision. I suppose you could call it…balance.”

“And what does any of this have to do with me?” At this he perked up from his pensive strolling as if they’d finally come to the point.

“Just as I didn’t make it back alone, neither will Ben.”

She thought about this for a few moments. She was reminded of their conversation on Ahch-To when he told her that she wasn’t alone and she responded in kind but she'd already gone to him and he didn't want her help. Not in the way she intended at least.

“I don’t understand-“ She looked up and found that she was alone in the cargo bay of the Falcon once again.

She thought about all the times that the bond snapped shut on her and Ben mid conversation. She thought about the time that Luke had thrown his lightsaber over his shoulder and stalked off while she was speaking to him. And now this. Anakin Skywalker. Darth Vader himself, disappearing just as she was trying to grab hold of anything that might help her understand her place in all this.

She threw her head back and flailed her arms after staring at the empty space for a moment and let out an infuriated yell at the memories. “Skywalker’s!”

She gathered up the broken lightsaber into the material and wrapped it back up. She placed it back in it’s hiding spot behind the crates and put Han’s toolbox back where she got it. She made her way to the crew quarters. Even though she had her own room inside the base, she had felt more at home alone on this ship since they arrived. She settled into the bed she’d been sleeping in for most of the last month and bundled herself in the extra blankets that she found in the closet.

_____________________

Ben made one last visit to the detention guards to check on the well being of his prisoners before turning in for the night. He was informed that they had been fed and tended to by the med droids and were both kept together in the same cell as the Supreme Leader requested. He stalked back to his quarters and checked his comms for any news of his Knights’ arrival. He knew that she was last stationed on a core world so it was unlikely that she would have made it back to the Finalizer already but he was growing impatient with the knowledge that Hux was so eager to execute their captives.

Both men knew they were playing their parts at this point and he was not naïve enough to think that Hux wouldn’t kill one of the resistance fighters just to see if there was any conflict in Ren's reaction. Sure the General would soon begin making attempts on his life to usurp control but it would be much easier if he could just corner the Supreme Leader into committing treason. Something Ben knows that Hux expected him to do sooner or later. And not for the first time.

When he arrived back at his quarters he unhooked his belt and placed his lightsaber on the desk before sitting down to unlace his boots. Once he rid himself of his clothing, he slipped on a pair of black sleep pants and pulled back the covers of his large bed before crawling in. He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes and tried to fight the call to sleep just as he had been doing for months. He called his holopad to his hands and leaned up against his headboard with plans to get some work done before turning in. He barely got through his second report before sleep took him.

When he awoke, he found that he had slid down from his seated position in the night. He pulled the blanket up over him and felt a freezing chill run through his body. Without opening his tired eyes, he cursed himself for not wearing a sleep shirt. He shivered, sending the mattress shaking ever so slightly.

Then came a whimper.


	7. Be With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben Solo is a walking panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we discover that it's a surprise Kylo Ren can even get himself out of bed everyday with the amount of over thinking he does. 
> 
> And we meet a Knight.
> 
> I lovelovelove your feedback so leave a comment so it can trigger the serotonin I need to keep writing!

Both times that the Force had connected them since Crait, Rey had been asleep. Once, Kylo was taking on multiple training droids and as soon as he could focus enough to see her sleeping form, the bond snapped shut. 

The second time, he had been in a meeting with two of his Commanders and Hux. He saw her out of the corner of his eye, the familiar slumbering shape under the blanket and the rise and fall of her side as she breathed steadily. 

Once again, this connection only lasted mere moments and he was left listening to Hux prattle on about his disgust with Kylo’s new plan to purchase weapons in the galactic trade market rather than take them by force or use the Orders weapons factories that had previously relied on slave labor.

But this time was different. Their sleep cycles had never corresponded before. He had woken to her whine when he shivered causing her to stir. He realized quickly that she was in a cold climate and her surroundings were blending with his in a way they hadn’t ever done before. 

After a few minutes of holding in breathes and getting his bearings he was able to focus on the green, scratchy blankets that covered her. He used to hate those blankets as a kid and his mother eventually brought some soft ones from their home on board to leave in the crew quarters so that he’d stop complaining about them when he went off to travel with his father.  
She was asleep on the Millennium Falcon.

She faced away from him on her side and for a brief moment he considered waking her. They hadn’t spoken since she left the Finalizer. He only knew she made it back safely because he’d read enough about their Force bond to understand that if something had happened to her, he’d most certainly feel it. 

He observed her attentively. This was the first time he’d seen her with no ties in her hair at all. Her brunette tresses swept over her pillow and spilled over onto his. Very carefully he leaned over her shoulder and his fingertips hovered over her skin as the Force vibrated between them. From this close, he was able to discern each freckle that dotted her upper cheeks and across her nose. Her full pink lips parted and trembled with each exhale. 

He wanted to pretend that this wasn’t the work of the Force. That she had stayed with him when he asked her to and he’d wake every night to find her right here, curled up against him.  
She whimpered again breaking his musings. This one sounded more like weeping. He froze and she curled in further on herself. Her eyebrows knit together.

She was dreaming. 

He pulled his hand away and took a second to consider the possibility that she’d disappear soon enough and he could go back to pretending not to care about what dreams or nightmares plagued her. 

But then curiosity became too much and he told himself that this was all in the name of understanding their rare bond. This was not a dormant need to see inside the mind of the person who has consumed his life. Rey. Always Rey. 

He inched closer hovering his large hand over her temple and closed his eyes. 

Moments later he is listening to the rain while his surroundings come into focus. Bright orange flickers of light lick the air and then she’s here. Sitting across from him.  
They are on Ahch-To. Although he hadn’t known this place at the time. He is back here as if a moment hasn’t passed since. His fingertips reach out and graze hers and he remembers the vision swimming in front of his eyes. He absently wonders how often she dreams in memories of him. 

He waits for his vision. But none comes. The bond sings as it does every time they touch but there is no vision this time. He is in her dream. She, unable to give him the memory of something she did not see. 

He remembers his heart racing and his palms clammy and trembling that day. This time is no different. Except now, his fear that she’ll touch him only to turn and run from him just as everyone else has done is replaced with a different dread. 

No, this time he fears that she’ll know. Know he’s here uninvited. She once called him a creature in a mask for hunting her. For invading her mind. And now he willingly invites himself into her dreamscape. 

But he knows. And she knows who he is. She called him a monster once too. And he is. He thought he could cut down his master and become the man she so naively thought he already was. But he will always be the monster. So he stays. 

His eyes shoot up to meet hers and he waits for the explosion. The voice from his past, ready to destroy anything he deems unworthy. Luke.

But a few minutes pass and there is no voice. No pieces of stone and cinder flying around them. And this is the first time he realizes that he’s seeing this moment in it’s entirety. He looks around her hut. At her staff resting in the corner. He sees the fire that she must have built after leaving the cave that left her feeling so utterly alone that she would deign to reach out to a specter made up of only crude matter. A murderous snake.

Her eyes haven’t left him. His drift back to her and he realizes that she still has silent tears streaming down her cheeks. On instinct, he reaches up with is ungloved hand and wipes at the moisture with his thumb. His hand lingers there and he feels the pull again. Their bond is like a string tethering them together, binding them through the expanse of time and space. But this other pull, this feeling that he gets when she’s this close is more like a tractor beam drawing him unwittingly in. He fights to control this feeling at all times. 

He pushes the desire away and bears down so hard on his yearning that it disappears somewhere deep inside. In his waking life, he wins this fight.

But this is not that place. And he no longer wants to fight the urge to find out what feelings stir in her while she sleeps. 

Just as he is about to curl his hand over her cheek, she moves. She is standing and crossing over to him. She stops in front of him and his knees are bumping against her shins because he’s sitting so low to the ground and his long legs have nowhere to go.

“Ben.” She speaks in a soft undertone, beckoning him. 

Her voice makes his breathing catch and then speed up. He can’t understand how he had just felt such resolve to let his lust take over. Be the monster. And now he can’t hear anything over the thundering of his own heart in his ears. 

He meets her eyes and she holds out her hand just as he had once done to her. He takes it and he is suddenly overcome with the urge to tell her all the things he wanted to say that night. All the things he should have said in the throne room instead of what came out. 

Tell her that he never wanted to posses her or even rule alongside her. But he didn’t know it then. He knows it now. He was always made for servitude. He used to think that the Force created him for greatness. To rule and seize and take. But he rules now and he knows no victory. 

He is an imposter on his throne. He’s had many Masters in his life. He’s cut them all down. He can hunt and kill and fight on command and his entire life has been spent honing these skills to precision. He should tell her what he knows now. That he was made to carry out her commands. That he could have been her teacher for a time.

But she is his Master. Only her. Always her.  
But instead he says nothing. Too afraid to speak and break the spell. Send her hurtling back to whatever freezing cold planet she’s really on. He will not have this intimacy with her again. He knows this too. Still, he says nothing.

She leads him to her cot and gently pushing him to sit, hands on his shoulders. 

“Rey.” His voice cracks.

“No Ben.” She covers his lips with her fingertips. 

He doesn’t understand and he’s helpless to push back. He’s never felt so vulnerable and if she wanted to run him through with his own lightsaber right now he’s sure he would let her.  
Suddenly time is moving much quicker. Or at least he feels like it is because he’s been trapped in his reverie since he got here and now she’s climbing onto his lap to sit on her knees, straddling his legs. Her face is so close to his that he can feel the heat of her breath on his own lips. Her eyes dart back and forth between his as if she’s searching for something.  
She reaches up and cups his face, both hands holding his jaw gently. Her finger strokes over the scar that adorns his cheek.

“Rey. I –“ This is it. He needs to tell her that he’s here lurking in this private place just like the creature she said he was. That he isn’t here in this space as the man she’s shaped in her own mind. 

But before he can finish she brings her lips to his and he is unprepared for what this has become. Everything has been so tender up until this point but now her lips are forceful against his. She opens to him and lets her tongue search for entrance into his mouth. 

His right hand comes up to grab the back of her neck and he threads his fingers through the hair at her nape pulling her impossibly closer while his left hand settles on her lower back. The kiss is slow and tempered. He pulls back just long enough to breathe and he sees in her eyes the same hunger he has felt since their minds linked. 

He cannot be the monster. “Rey. I – this is..”

“No Ben.” She cuts him off again. She leans in and rests her forehead against his and closes her eyes. 

“You think too much. You’re always evaluating. Studying. The outcomes. Just be.”

She pulls her face back to look him in the eyes. Both of their chests are rising and falling in tune and she shakes her head.  
“Just be.” Her lips touch his for just a moment. “Be with me.”

Her eyes bore into his and the floodgates of the place he buried all his desire comes crashing open and he’s awash. All the craving and lust and need that he told himself was weak and reckless now bears down on him, unearthed from its hollow. 

He thinks he may drown in it and that if he does, he would die a happy man.

His lips crash into hers and he has no restraint left. His tongue searches for hers and she moans into his mouth. His right arm comes around the small of her back, fingers splayed, prssing her closer to him. His left arm moves across her leg, wrapping his large hand around her thigh. He’s lifting her up and spinning them around before guiding her back down onto her cot.  
He moves from her lips placing open mouth kisses down her jaw as his body covers hers. His left leg finds a home between her thighs and he’s pressing into her. As he makes his way down her throat, she’s keening and her body arches into his in a way that makes his breathing hitch again. He lets out a groan that rumbles from his chest into hers. 

Her arms come up over his shoulders and he feels the most delicious sting as her fingernails claw at his back through his tunic.  
She’s grinding herself on his hard length that presses into her hip now and his body is a maelstrom of feelings. He follows only feelings and lets his thoughts flow in and quickly out of his mind like she told him to. Like he’s swiping through the pages of his holopad, each one whisked away under the cloud of desire.  
She’s breathing so heavily now that he pulls back from his mouths ministrations on her hot skin to see her. He needs to know.  
Her head is thrown back to allow him access to the column of her throat and her face is contorted into the most beautiful mask of pleasure. 

“Rey…” It’s almost a question.

Just as her eyes come down to meet his, her lips curl up at the edges and dimples peek out from her flushed cheeks. She beams.

“Ben.” She says through her smile. 

Time stops. What has he done? Why did he come here? Into her dream. He thinks for a fleeting moment that it may have been better not knowing. Never knowing what being in her arms could feel like. Never knowing what a smile directed at him would look like. What it could make him do. 

When he saw her feral scream and unabashed fury on Starkiller and the Supremacy, he felt a hunger bubble up to the surface of his being that he knew immediately as lust.  
But he has never, not once, allowed himself to give a thought beyond that feeling. It’s too dark in that place, even for him. But she’s smiling. At him. And he’ll never see what this looks in real life. 

He thinks he understands now. He was meant to be here. 

With her arms wrapped around him pulling him in. His fingers gripping her hair, her scent clouding his senses. The taste of her. The feeling of pressing her into the cot and her inviting more from him. 

This is his penance. The price he’ll pay for his many unforgivable sins. To know, to really know what he’ll never have. And with the bond, the penalty is too great.

A thought occurs to him. He will someday be subjected to someone else having it. Having her. The Force has condemned him to a life sentence of voyeurism of the worst decree. 

He’s feels his arms start to shake. His breath starts to come in panicked pants. Her smile fades and she cocks her head to the side. 

“Ben?” 

She's searching his face but there are no words. There is no explanation. This isn’t real. And yet somehow it’s the most authentic thing that he’s ever experienced.  
Her right hand comes up to his cheek and her brows knit together even more. Her left hand grasps his forearm that is pressed palm down next to her, balancing his weight so he won’t crush her. She wraps her fingers around the tightened coils of muscle. 

His head spins with thoughts and images of his own design. He imagines Rey sneering at him as he appears in the bond. He is unwanted each time they are connected. She is suddenly with another. They are mirror images of them as they are at this moment but the figure looming over her is not him. A future he is sure to see. His mind snaps that shut before he can destroy the hut.

“Ben.” There’s a slight panic in her voice but she remains calm. “What’s happening?”

He is lost. He cannot answer.  
“Ben, breathe. You have to breathe.”

Now her voice sounds far away. It’s as if they are under water. Her grasp on his arm becomes tighter. He wants to speak and tell her everything from the beginning but that is so far gone and the end is his own absolution. He knows he won’t live out his days watching her life unfold with someone else. So it must end with his release. It has too. And he cant tell her all this. He can’t even get himself to breathe. 

He thinks she’s shouting now. But it’s still muffled. He hears his name and her voice grows more anxious. What happened? He was above her. He was going to be with her. Just like she told him to.  
Just be.

And now the hut is a blur and the sound is no longer like drowning. It’s a whirring and calm celestial noise that he knows.

Still he hears her.  
He’s shaking.  
No, she is shaking him.

“Ben!” It’s nearly a scream this time.

His eyes shoot open and she’s there. Above him. He is lying on his back and her fingers are digging into his shoulders once again but not for purchase. She is shaking him still. His breathing has not leveled out and he looks around her disheveled appearance. 

They are in his quarters on his ship.  
She is kneeling on his bed releasing her fingers slowing from the cuts that they drove into his skin. Her hair is down and tangled in the back where she had been sleeping on it. She has a loose fitting sleep shirt on and the green scratchy blankets are tightly wound around both of their bodies in an uncomfortable constricting way.

“Rey?” He respires. 

"I…. I think the bond connected us. While we were sleeping.” Her voice is shaky and she’s panting. Her cheeks and neck are flushed red but not in the same way that he’d seen in the hut. In her dream. She looks afraid now.  
“I was sleeping and I felt you.” She sounds timid and he hates himself for causing this.  
“I woke up when you started writhing around and flailing and I knew you were having a nightmare.” 

He doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t know about the dream, her dream.  
“Did I hurt you?” He’s just now realizing that she’s gripping her arm to her chest in the way one coddles their injured limb. He sits up quickly and reaches for her arm without a thought.

“I’m fine. You lashed out once and had a bit of a vice grip.”  
He sits all the way up untangling their blankets and peels her hand away gently to look at her arm. She lets him and he sees that her skin is starting to bruise. In the exact shape of his fingers. 

“Rey I’m so sorry.” He gets a tightening feeling in his gut at having done that.

She’s swatting his hands away from her arm. “It’s fine I’ve survived worse.” She smirks and he can only assume she’s trying to make him feel better. After he mauled her in his sleep.  
“One time, a crazed man kidnapped me and then when I escaped…very expertly I might add…he threw me into a tree.” She chuckles at this as if it’s in any way funny. He wonders how she can be so subdued about the things that have been done to her while he stews on everyone who has transgressed against him.

He winces at her joke and she realizes this is not the time. 

“Where is Rose and Poe? Are they okay? Why haven’t you let them go?” Her playfulness is gone and she is asking him in rapid fire succession but there is a look of reservation on her face. Like she may be preparing for an answer she cannot handle. 

He rests back on the headboard now, much more comfortable discussing matters of war and conflict.  
“They’re okay. A little roughed up but they’ve been treated and will be sent off tomorrow. I have no way to contact you discreetly outside of the bond and we are abysmal at controlling this. As is evidenced by you arriving here in time for me to brutalize you while I sleep.”  
She rolled her eyes ignoring his over characterization. Unwilling to succumb to his self-deprecating nature. But her joy at hearing that her friends are okay has overshadowed any need to discuss the incident which clearly needs addressing if they are going to be connected again like this in the future. 

With just a touch of doubt, she rests back on her heels and squares her shoulders. “They’re really okay? I mean. You’re really sending them back?”  
He’s momentarily offended as always and then accepts once again that he will never have, among other things, her full faith in him.  
“Yes. Tomorrow. I told you to trust me.” His shoulders slump a little but he keeps his eyes on her.

Her whole body has relaxed as if the fate of their lives has been resting on her shoulders. And it’s just now that he realizes that it has. She’s spent almost two days no knowing if he would betray her trust and kill her companions or disappear with them and leave her guessing.  
A twinge of guilt comes over him. But before he can think of what to say she speaks.

“Ben there’s something I need to tell you.” A long pause as if she is trying to find the right words. Or maybe his assurance that he didn’t execute her friends has earned him some right to be confided in.  
“I was trying to rebuild my-“ Her eyes dart up to his “…the lightsaber yesterday. And something happened. I heard this noise. Well not a noise exactly…” She’s stumbling over her words and he finds himself starting to worry about what she could possibly be so afraid to tell him. 

Just as he searches her face for reassurance and nods at her to continue, the ships calm whirring turns to absolute silence. For a second in time there is nothing and then there is something again. The ships engines purr once again. The air in his room is chilled and recycled but the freezing briskness is gone. 

And so is Rey.

Kylo has no memory of falling back asleep after Rey was unceremoniously ripped away from his room. But the beeping is growing louder and more frequent and he finally recognizes it as his room’s comm channel. 

He reaches over to the interface set to audio only and switches it on without a word.  
“Sir. You asked to be informed immediately upon the arrival of your Knight.” The voice was unfamiliar, a low-ranking officer he assumes. He also assumes the man is reminding him why he is calling at such an early hour so that Kylo doesn’t march down to the control room and kill him. 

He knows that there are whispers among the elite stormtroopers that are assigned to his detail that as of late he is no longer the irrational explosive wraith he once was but these stirrings have not made their way throughout the fleet and for this he is thankful. He has felt the change since disposing of Snoke. 

The subtle peeling back of the layers that he once thought were his own innate terror that he lashed out with and inflicted on anything. After months of reflection he concedes that it may have been in slight due to the shadow lurking in his skull at each and every moment. 

However, the violence that lives inside of him has not been tampered at all. He channels it in a way that he wasn’t capable under the watchful eye of his Master. But he still feels every bit the monster that he once was. The indifference he feels when inflicting carnage has not subsided. It’s merely found more worthy outlets. He does not mame or kill indiscriminately any longer.  
And for this he feels transformed.

He hadn’t killed a single member of his military since taking up the role of Supreme Leader until the day Rey arrived. And when he was able to dispose of his depraved stormtrooper, he felt a cleansing liberation that he had been missing. Made all the better by using his own strength and not tapping into the Force. Just his hands and his desire to end a life. 

He got dressed and made his way down to the hangar. When his knights had been called back in the past, he was always made to wait in Snokes audience room until they were brought forth. This was a way to ensure that he was as surprised as they were when they received their instructions. Sometimes it was new assignments. Other times, twisted and sadistic ways to create cracks in the camaraderie of the group if it began to form. 

He was always especially careful to keep Knita Ren as far away from her Master of the Knights as possible. At one point, Kylo had gone two galactic standard years without seeing her. All three aware that this was the relationship that had the most risk of reviving any sense of connection in him. Their Masters most prized apprentice. 

Knita Ren had only survived as long because of her exceptional power. A power Snoke was not willing to dispose of. So she was sent on endless missions, mostly in the outer rim to exert her control over any areas where First Order military presence would have been a waste of manpower and resources but still had a need for loyalty. Mostly slave worlds.

As Kylo stood in the hangar watching the ship being guided in, he fought the urge to consider whether she had changed in the time they’d spent apart. He called her back on impulse when he realized that he wanted, no he needed to seek the counsel of someone he trusted implicitly. But he had not spoken to her since her last trip to the Supremacy one year prior and that was in passing. She hadn’t changed at that point he knew. He had a subtle connection to all of his knights and could feel their presence and emotions. He refrained from reading their thoughts unless he had cause but his last passing with Knita had been a familiar one unchanged. 

But so much has changed since. He killed their Master. And while he had reached out to all four of his other Knights since, calling them back to his flagship, confirming their loyalty and reassigning them, he had left Knita entirely alone. 

He also told his other Knights that the scavenger had killed Snoke much like he had told Hux. When he explained her power, he sensed very little apprehension from any of them, likely because they are all Force users and understand the potential of such power better than an ingrate like Hux ever could. 

As her ship docks and he is reminded that she commissioned a truly impressive Superiority Tie much like his Silencer. It’s sleek matte black matches save for the grey cockpit instead of his chosen red.  
The ramp lowers and then she is there. Sauntering down towards him with her black fitted tunic and pants. Her black boots lace up just above her ankle and she wears a leather strap holster fitted to her thigh with blaster pistol on the side and a knife in front. Her thick belt has only one notch which has her lightsaber hilt hanging off on the opposite side of her thigh holster and her black leather gloves are tucked in for safekeeping. There are black leather straps criss-crossing her chest and over her abdomen to form a carrier on her back. The top of a large cleaver gleans over her shoulder and Kylo knows that it is made of beskar steel because she was so satisfied to have acquired it all those years ago she couldn’t stop gloating.  
Her helmet is a simple black shape fitted to her similar to his except for the silver marking which cover the entire top half.

He strides to meet her halfway. They stop face to face a few feet apart. His face is incredulous and hers hidden behind her mask.  
“Knita Ren. Do you always fly with a battle axe strapped to your back?”

Her hands come up under her chin and her fingers catch the release of her helmet pulling it off. Her black hair, once unassuming under the helmet, comes springing forth in all directions. Tight curls unleashed in a huge halo around her head. Her brown skin glows, only marked by the much darker freckles that encase her nose and cheeks. She looks much the same as he remembers her when they were kids. Although technically he was a kid of eleven. She, fifteen. 

“I do everything with a battle axe strapped to my back.” She smiles and he can’t help but roll his eyes. He’s smiling now too and he feels instant relief. Time and consequence have done nothing to stall their alliance. He reaches out to place his right hand on the inside of her bicep. Her right hand comes up to his arm and matches the action. They grip one another in a greeting that goes back further than he can remember. 

“Thank you for coming.” He says in earnest.  
“Aren’t you the Supreme Leader? I can’t exactly refuse your orders when I’m beckoned.” Her smile is sly.  
“I’ve seen you refuse a great many things and people. Nothing is above your reproach.” He’s grinning now.  
Their arms unlink and fall to their sides and they begin their walk back.  
“This is true. I may have disregarded our old Master a time or two and not without consequence. But seeing you in charge? I wouldn’t miss that little brother.”

They make their way to the training room goading one another the whole way. Once inside he latches the door with the wave of his hand and she looks back cautiously but expects an explanation soon enough.

“I assume you’ve already been told the details of my ascent to leadership.”  
“Of course. A girl. A scavenger I’m told, killed Snoke.” There is an air to her voice which lends itself to knowing that they are both still not speaking in truths.  
He seems to abruptly veer off topic as if he cannot get this information out fast enough.

“Hux is building another Starkiller. He thinks I don’t know.”  
She’s up now off the bench she was sitting on but her face is still calm. “And how did you find this out?”  
He ignores her question. “He wants me dead and he’s working out his plans for that as we speak. I assume he means to use the weapon once I am gone. I may have command but he has a great many loyalists here and many who worked for his father before him. He believes that I killed Snoke.”  
She gives him a knowing look.  
“And did you?”  
He looks away at this as if some far off thing has caught his eye before he speaks. 

“The other knights don’t know and I intend for it to stay that way. Their loyalty may lie with me over Hux but outside of that they cannot be trusted.” She nods. She’s always known this.  
As she is about to speak the door opens and a slew of troopers enter in their training clothes.  
The first few through the door stop in their tracks upon seeing the Supreme Leader and his Knight. He beckons them in, letting them know to continue with their plans to train.  
He is watching them filter in. “We’ll need to leave to further discuss this.”

“And where do you suggest we speak freely on this ship without his eyes and ears?” She asks doubtfully.  
“We’re not staying on this ship. We’re leaving tomorrow. I have some things I need to deliver to Takodana and you’re coming with me.”  
Her face snaps to his but he doesn’t move. She stares at his profile in disbelief but his expression remains steadfast. She has to run through very few things that would lead him back to Takodana before exhaling in a loud sigh of understanding.

“You’ve seen your Jedi.”  
Now his head snaps to look at her and though their faces are unreadable to those around them, the Force crackles.  
“Dyiasi monhura… the Knights can’t possibly know. And I see no need to tell them.”  
“I have no idea what you’re referring to.” He says firmly. 

“Come on now brother. We can chide all we want but we both know what’s coming if the others find out.” Her tone changes at this, seriousness and concern coating her voice. “They will kill you.”

“I do not fear them, or death.”  
“And what of her? Do you fear her death? Because that will be their first ambition.”

This makes his whole body stiffen. It is at once numbing and nauseating and he’s left with an anger building that he doesn’t have an outlet for at this moment.  
He feels his breath coming in short, shallow gasps at the thought of one of his Knights hunting Rey. Especially if he wasn’t around to keep her safe. He knew the likelihood of having to eventually deal with them coming after her but he wasn’t prepared for the fury it would stoke in him at the thought of one of his own laying a hand on her.

Knita places her own hand ever so slightly on his forearm, her gaze back to looking at the multiple hand to hand combat fights now going on in front of them.  
“Breathe brother. We will let no such thing come to pass.” She gives his arm a squeeze. 

He had forgotten how to do that. Snoke leeched it out of him. But there was a time when he knew. And she had showed him. His rage was now replaced by a focused effort to steady himself, just as familiar as the first time she taught him how to come back from that place in his mind.

He recalls it so clearly. He remembers the cliffside near Luke’s Academy. At twelve standard years old he was one of the oldest students thanks to his later enrollment upon his Uncles insistency. Having convinced his mother he could fix him as if something about him was broken. He remembered thinking Luke was a self righteous and smug man even then, before he came to loathe him years later. There was only one other Padawan older than him. Sent by her village elders for similar reasons. An unwillingness to follow the Force blindly into the light, Niyura had been walking along the knifes edge for even longer than Ben. And since she had no real family to speak of, her people were just as well to ship her off after she scared them a time too many. 

Enraged and pacing as he oftentimes was after being chastised or unjustly accused of cheating by his Uncle, he went up to the cliff to stew whenever his rage engulfed him.  
When he sensed Niyura’s approach he didn’t even turn to look at her. 

“Go away.” He snarled, sounding just as much his twelve years of age. 

She continued on her approach as if he didn’t speak. When she stopped next to him at the cliffs edge she placed her hand gently on his forearm, with a slight grasp. He was so shocked at the gesture that he forgot to yank his arm away immediately. He didn’t like being touched and for the most part, he really didn’t have to worry about it much. No one ever tried to reach out to Ben Solo. 

Looking out over the water, her eyes drifted closed.  
“Can you smell that Ben? Close your eyes.”  
She was sixteen standard years old, four years older than him, but Ben couldn’t help but feel like her willingness to show no fear to the dark without giving into it had already made her vastly wiser than his virtuous uncle. 

"Inhale deeply little nerra.”  
She inhaled as if to demonstrate. Her face was calm, peaceful even. This angered Ben even more. Why did he have to be so combustible all the time only to be surrounded by those that seemed to emit such serenity? He hated them too. All of them. 

But he breathed.

Inhale.  
Exhale.  
Inhale.  
Ash.  
He gasped.  
“Breathe.” She reminded him.  
Smoke.

Something incinerating, building to a crescendo of flames and fire. No, not fire. Lava. Slow and steady but incapable of stopping, destroying everything it touched. Just like himself he thought. He could see it all so clearly. His mind was filled with plumes of it, spraying, emitting the loudest sound he’s ever heard.  
A burning planet. 

But for a voice. 

“Keep breathing little brother. Slow. Don’t fight it. Follow the flow, the heat. Keep going. Out past the burning planes.” Her grip tightened just a little and he was brought back to the cliffside for just a moment with the slightest pressure on his arm. Eyes still closed, fists clenched, his huffing turned to gasping, pushing. Pushing passed the heat. Grounded in the dirt, tethered to the cliff. And his friends hold on him. 

Tethered.  
Tethered.  
There’s something out there.  
Not something.  
Someone.  
He pushed further.  
Salt.  
And sea.  
“Follow the flow. Follow brother.” 

Waves, flowing, towards a shore.  
An ocean.  
An island.  
The island.  
His breathing was a steady rhythm now. Fists unfurled into languid fingers. Shoulders rising and falling.  
“I see it.” A pause. Breath catching. Coming in too quickly. “I see the island.” 

“Good. Now come back. Come back Ben.” Niyura’s voice extricated him. His feet firmly planted on the cliffside.  
She let go of his arm and let hers fall back to her side.

“You can always go to the place where the darkness beckons you little brother. But you must always come back. And sometimes -.” She looked down at him. “ - the only way out is through.”

She dropped her hand back down to her side and then playfully ruffled his wavy black hair, causing it to stick up in all directions before smiling and strolling off down the cliffside.  
He stood huffing his breathes in and out. 

This was the first time in his life that Ben came back from the burning planet without destroying things.

__________________________  
When Rey awoke she was curled up in her blankets so tightly that she felt claustrophobic, trapped. She struggled to free herself and even with the freezing temperatures, she lay there with her arms and legs splayed out breathing. What had just happened?

She woke up to Ben kicking and flailing and tearful but she had left that last bit out when he asked. They hadn’t spoken through the bond in so long and when she realized she needed to tell him what had transpired she didnt quite know how to explain that he was crying in his sleep. She needed him to remain calm enough to answer her questions about Poe and Rose. 

And he did. And now Rey is so happy she wants to run down the Falcon’s ramp and to Finns room and tell him the good news. Except she’s already checked the time and it’s the middle of the night cycle. And far more importantly what would she say? That the man who tore his spine open came to her through the expanse of space and was having a nightmare but after she woke him up, he gave her the good news? 

She came to accept a long time ago that there was no one she could confide in about this bond. So she pulls the covers back up over herself loosely this time and curses Han Solo for having such uncomfortable itchy blankets. She closes her eyes once again. She drifts off quickly this time and she is dreaming once again.

She is scared and hungry. But she knows she needs to wait. It hasn’t been enough time and he was very clear. She lies on her side and tries to find a comfortable way to curl up so that she can sleep. If she sleeps the time will go by faster she tells herself. She is so small that there is enough room for her to lay down on the floor of the closet. 

She knows Lor had been here the day prior and hopes he’ll come back and find her before she has to comm anyone. She’s only used the comm a few times and there has been someone there to help each time. But she’s six standard years old and she’s already figured out how to lift things with her will alone so she thinks this will be easy enough.

She closes her eyes and tries not to think about food. Her belly grumbles and she misses her friend, a little boy who lives in the village below. She wonders if he is safe now that they’re gone.  
The storm hasn’t passed. She can still hear the rain pounding on the walls and the roof but there is no more thunderous roaring. That ended when the ship left. 

She doesn’t know how long she’s slept but she is still afraid that it hasn’t been enough time. He told her to wait. One standard day. But how is she supposed to know. Its dark. And its cold.  
She gets up from her slumber and goes to push the door open when she hears a noise. The loud banging of the temple door when it closes and stone meets wood.

She freezes and wonders if he’s changed his mind and he’s come back to kill her. 

Footsteps are lumbering towards the closet and she pushes her way into the farthest place in the back she can find. She hugs her knees to her chest and tries to remember what Lor told her about the Force and what fear leads too so she holds back the tears that sting her eyes. 

There is a crashing sound and something large in front of the door is loudly dragging across the floor. The latch clicks and the door opens. 

A tall figure appears dressed entirely in black and Rey knows that there is nowhere to go now. The figure doesn’t come any further and makes no attempt to enter the closet. A long arm reaches out and a black leather glove beckons her forth. 

She scurries along the floor towards the door and stands looking up at the figure towering over her. The black metallic mask whirs with each breathe and she feels a strange sense of safety. The red lightsaber is lit and hangs down in the figures grasp. The black cape like material flows out with a spin and then she is following the stalking creature to the temple entrance. She looks at the lightsaber and thinks that it doesn’t look anything like the few she’s seen before. 

She stops in the middle of the aisle and her hands ball into fists at her sides. She knows now that there is no life left in the village. She knows how to reach out with the Force and ask it to show her where her friends are. 

The dark figure turns to face her and stops.  
Rey knows she must speak but it’s taking all of her efforts to push away the fear Lor told her she cannot feel. Finally she opens her mouth and with the high pitched cadence of a child of six she speaks.  
“What’s your name?”  
The figure is rigid and then suddenly stalking back towards Rey, leaning in a crouch. At eye level, she can see the black gloves come up and push the levers to unlatch the unpleasant mask.  
Rey is momentarily stunned. Wavy black hair and calming eyes greet her.  
“I am Niyura.”  
She studies the woman’s features. She then carefully analyzes the red lightsaber hilt which is now extinguished. With a breathe she squares her shoulders in a show of resiliency.  
"I'm Rey.”  
The woman smiles.  
“Hi Rey."


End file.
